Saturday, May 30, 2009
So I ask the manager of the so far nameless movie rental establishment to unlock the bathroom for me (how sad that the bathrooms have to be locked) and I go in...desperate, very, very desperate.
Other than there being no toilet paper and a nasty ring around the toilet, it wasn't so bad. The floor is clean, because that is the most important part of the bathroom...the floor. I 'use' the facilities and go to the sink to wash my hands and find I cannot. Why, may you ask...because there was poop in the sink. Yes, you read me correctly...poop in the sink. Apparently the ring around the bowl was too much for someone so they made alternate arrangements. However, they didn't realize that it was one of the drainy things with a bunch of holes in it...no place for the poop to go. NASTY.
So I used Purell instead. Yes, I am that kind of prepared girl.
1. Don't use the restrooms at unnamed movie rental establishments (Hollywood Video in American Fork).
2. Don't drink a lot of water before running errands.
3. If the bathroom has to be unlocked before you go in...wait.
4. I am officially off of the perusing list. Permanently.
5. Between the warm spots in the Ool and the poop in the sink at the movie rental place, I beginning to think that my life is in the toilet...I've had enough hints.
Friday, May 29, 2009
1. Just went swimmin'.
2. Found some warm spots.
3. Saw some toddlers without swim diapers.
4. Got out of the pool when I saw toddlers without swim diapers.
5. Got hit by a used band-aid getting out of the Ool...YUCK.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
So here goes the random thought (it's been a while, I hope I get it right):
If you have so many random thoughts floating around in your head, do they eventually merge into one big, ginormous random thought that becomes meaningless because it doesn't make sense?
1. Oy vey...it's worse than I thought.
2. Do you think if it gets too big, it explodes?
3. Do you think it would hurt if it exploded?
4. If your head is empty when it explodes, does it matter since there isn't anything there to get hurt?
5. I think my thoughts provoked might qualify as random thoughts all by themselves...yikes.
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
Remember that I will always share my spoon with you!
Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves.
So thanks to my friends, family and every one for making this world a happier, more comfortable place for me in the midst of the never ending chaos.
1. Sometimes the most obvious lessons sound so much better coming from someone else.
2. Wisdom, not knowledge, is what we gain from trials.
3. Life is what you make of it, good, bad or ugly (you know, kind of like shoes).
4. It's never too late to take charge of your own life.
5. Life is beyond good, it's great.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Two Saturdays ago, it was the usual hectic, crazy, unassuming, nightmarish sort of day. I had to tackle the Mount Himalaya of laundry (with Leiderhosen even) as well as take care of all of the crazy things that didn't get done during the week.
So as I was loading the next pile of laundry, I smelled something. I think it probably qualifies in the whole, "She who smelt it, dealt it." Only it wasn't a fart. A fart would have been preferable. I was burning my lunch. So I quickly finished putting the laundry in and ran into the kitchen.
Now, like every one else, I really do adore my split level home. Especially those three little steps from my family room to my kitchen. As I ran to save my biblical lunch (burnt offerings people, pay attention), my flip flop caught the stair nose and I fell UP the stairs into the kitchen. Yes, I said I fell up the stairs. Look, I know you are jealous, but we have all been given special talents and that just happens to be mine. Okay.
While I writhed around on the floor for a while smelling my lunch moving further down the path of carbon, I eventually heaved my aching body up, turned the oven off and cried. Then I limped upstairs and cried. Then I took drugs and I stopped crying. It was just Advil...I'm not that hard-core.
So on Monday, my kneecap was still numb. So I though maybe I should go to the doctor. On Tuesday I explained my gift of acrobatics in the up direction and after the doctor was done laughing he checked my knee and said we better do x-rays to make sure you didn't fracture your kneecap. Riiiiiiiigggggghhhhhhttttt.
After the x-rays, as I was watching my insane 4 year old bounce off the walls, the doctor came in and said, "Good News, you're not broken. Well, not in that sense." Apparently I strained my patellar tendon, causing a pool of blood under the kneecap and damaged the nerves in my knee so badly that I killed them. So in 2 to 6 months, I should be able to feel my knee again.
Here's the upside. I can't feel my tendon because my nerves are dead. COOL.
1. Walk slowly.
2. Don't wear flip-flops while running up the stairs.
3. I believe I have begun to accept my calling in life to make everyone else feel better...How'm I doin'?
4. This has to be one of the funniest things that has happened in a long time. I fell UP the stairs....that is worthy of a good chuckle.
5. So, do you want to be me yet?
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
1. At least he understands numerology.
2. I am afraid to even ask what number 4 is.
3. As I was related the story to everyone else, I didn't have to ask what number 4 is. They all had suggestions.
4. Based on last nights coversation, I hope I have never had number 4.
5. I hope you never have number 4, too.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Anywhoo....I decided that since we are moving in a decidedly socialist direction (deny all you want, it is what it is), I have decided to get in touch with my inner capitalist. YAY ME. I figure I can't preach to anyone (not that I am particularly preachy, I just is who I is) if I am not willing to put my money where my mouth is...hahaha, get it.
So I have signed up with Google Adsense. I didn't do this as a money venture, or as a method of income (if there is any though, really YAY me) but more along the lines of, I can, so why the heck not. It just kind of falls along the lines of , if a tree falls in a forest and no one is there, does it make a sound when it falls. More pragmatically, if you live in a country that preaches free enterprise, but encourages handouts is it really a capitalist economy? See what I mean.
So I have made the choice to make my own endeavor into the world of capitalism. It may be a baby step...but a step all the same.
1. This is fun.
2. This is really fun.
3. I'm not doing anything wrong, but I feel like I am sticking my tongue out while the teachers back is turned.
4. Wouldn't it be cool if this really turned into an income generating venture?
5. After my first million....dinner is on me.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
I was picking up some prescriptions at Walgreens this evening. With their new, limited hours, we have decided that we never have any idea when they are open...so we always try and beat them at their own game and get there before six.
There was someone in the lane next to the big window, so I pull into the lane that has the cool little box thingy with the flappy door. Since I was only picking up and I use fast pay...hey no biggie, I'll be out of there in like two seconds.
So I use the little drive through microphone thing to tell them what prescriptions I need. They go get them and request my drivers license because one of them was a narcotic...yes a narcotic. Don't be frightened. So they send back my prescriptions with my license and as the little cage thing comes down and opens, it flings the bag of medications out at warp speed.
This is the sequence of events...no embellishment...I PROMISE.
1. The medication hits the car and falls to the ground (YAY gravity...Ummmm, Sir Isaac Newton couldn't you have discovered I don't know...calorie free desserts instead?).
2. I open the door to retrieve the medication (do you need the 10 second rule for medications like you do food?).
3. Said door hits the microphone/cage stand.
4. Door rebounds and hits my head.
5. Dazed, I shake my head.
6. I reach down to pick up the medication, and promptly rip the receipt off while simultaneously flinging the bag to an area I cannot reach.
7. I remove my flip flip to use as a tool for medication retrieval.
8. I get the medication bag back into range.
9. Put myself and medication back in the car (in a huff).
10. Shut foot in door.
11. Get foot out of the way.
12. Shut the door.
13. Drive Away.
14. Wonder where I can order a helmet for my own protection.
There you have it. I can't even manage to get medications without a MAJOR production.
1. If that ever happens again...make the pharmacy tech come get...it wasn't my stupid machine thingy that is flinging stuff all over the parking lot.
2. NEVER, EVER use that lane again...which happens to make number 1 obsolete.
3. Maybe we shouldn't use the cough medicine narcotic...on the other hand, I got no place to go but up.
4. Do you think I could have pulled a McGuyver and made a grabber-ma-bob out of the items in my purse?
5. Maybe I should stop blogging and move on to inventing....nah...that would take WAY to much effort.
We settled into our seats (with Kleenex firmly shoved up our nostrils...yup we were in the nosebleed section) and people began to fill into the seats around us, I began to get nervous. Not like, 'Oh my gosh, I'm about to get a new drivers license picture' nervous...but nervous, nervous.
I'm very lucky in that my husband saw I was not in a good place and he had me go and get some snackage for the fam. After an eternity in line...because the guy in front of me didn't ask his kids what they wanted BEFORE it was their turn, I finally got my hot dogs and drinks. I couldn't eat...I was so nauseated at that point, I was just hoping to make it through the night.
So I got the food back to the minions, and I settled into my 2 inch by 2 inch seat. The seats around us got very full and as a result I got very sweaty. And then my heart started racing, and I started sweating (like ewww, gross sweating)...and then I started hyperventilating. The lights began to dim and I began to swoon (not in a ballroom dancing 'romantic' dance kind of way...more like oh my gosh my life is flashing before my eyes kind of way), YIKES.
I shook my head and knocked some sense into me and managed to calm down enough to enjoy the show. Kind of...until the lady next to me slammed her two year old into the chair next to me. Okay, and let's just wind back on up.
They finally decided I was WAY to crazy sit by and left...thank goodness. Caleb was waking up from his little nap (a modern day miracle) and kicked my drink over. As I was warning the people in front of us, I knocked his drink over. YAY...are you kidding me? I WISH.
The show ended and I grabbed Caleb and Baylee and made a beeline to the bathroom. Once locked in the stall, I could breathe. There were no strangers touching me...HALLA-FREAKING-LUYAH.
We made it out, to the outside...no more cramped space. I could see the sky and stars. I sent every one else to the car and grabbed Savannah and made like magic for the car. POOF. I used my trademark, "If I don't look at them, the other cars don't exist" move and managed to get out of the parking lot in record time.
It took until Lindon before I finally stopped hyperventilating and my racing heart began to slow down.
So now we know that somewhere in my twisty, turny little imaginary world I developed Social Anxiety Disorder (get, it so S.A.D.). And wouldn't you know that the acronym for my disorder would be S.A.D. Maybe we could call it General Anxiety Disorder (G.A.D.) but then I would always be thinking about The Music Man when they always say Eeee Gads as a form of foul language. (sigh). We'll figure it out at some point.
1. Maybe I should tell my visiting teachers that they should only come one at a time.
2. Do you think this qualifies for disability?...maybe I can get my own Bailout from the government.
3. Do you think it is okay to put anti-perspirant on your face?
4. Feel free to come visit and help me through my identity crisis. But please, no groups and be prepared to wear a foil hat in case the aliens are monitoring that day.
5. Ya gotta laugh...they other option is to cry and I already have moisture issues around my head.
I thought the show was appropriately titled, especially given the current climate in our nation. I have been so dejected lately, wondering if as a country we will ever be able to heal some of these wounds. After watching last night, I had hope for the first time in a long time. So I thought I would share some of my hopeful thoughts.
1. I have hope (and faith) that our children, provided we do our jobs as parents, have been blessed with the necessary strength to rectify the hurt in this country and more importantly world.
2. I have hope (and faith) that as Americans we can once again show the world that independence, hard work and diligence will allow us to weather any storm and be stronger for the trial. [I was particularly struck by this as we were singing the Star Spangled Banner. Especially at the part 'And our flag was still there'. Regardless of trial...we will still be there.]
3. I have hope (and faith) that God works in mysterious and miraculous ways and will continue to do so, especially when we turn to Him.
4. I have hope (and faith) that we will all be able to dream and overcome adversity as long as we USE the rights and freedoms we have been blessed with. The right to free speech means nothing if you won't talk.
5. I have hope (and faith) that it will get better.
So there's m'thoughts. I was so filled with love of this nation, especially those who serve and protect. And will continue to pray daily for those who have sacrificed so much. I will continue to ask for continued blessing upon the leaders in the nation and world, that they will be guided to protect us and allow us to remain free.
1. Even though I have always believed these things, this was one of those times that I was very humbled by how fortunate I am...especially now.
2. I am filled with gratitude that I am able to ramble and spout...many others are not so lucky.
3. I am proud of Savannah, because along with the songs, I believe she has developed a sense of reverence regarding what living in America means.
4. I am grateful for people who work so hard to enforce the principles and values this country was founded on.
5. I need to remember to offer at least as much gratitude as help I ask for...otherwise it all doesn't mean a thing.
Monday, May 4, 2009
1. Don't you so wish you knew what I was talking about?
2. Because I wish I knew what I was talking about.
3. Actually, I do know what I am talking about...I just don't want the whole world to know what I am talking about.
4. When I am trying to keep 'secrets' I think I should probably stay away from blogging.
5. I am now so confused, that I think Lesson #2 is actually accurate.
Friday, May 1, 2009
As the caboose of the family, birthdays for him are usually on the rough side. So many people, activities and stuff...so little time.
On his third birthday, he absolutely refused to admit that he was having a birthday. He spent the entire day crying and telling anyone who would listen that it wasn't really his birthday...it was Savannahs. Denial will get him nowhere...that is a life lesson that he is going to learn the hard way.
Yesterday morning he was awakened by his oldest sister screaming happy birthday, jumping on his bed, yada, yada, yada. After trying to stay asleep and in bed, he finally wandered down the stairs with his faithful blankey dragging behind. He pushed his head against the stair rail and uttered a soft good morning. I offered my over-exuberant birthday wishes at which point, he looked at me and said, "I don't know how I feel about this." Then promptly went back to bed.
Is that what happened on my 29th birthday (again)? Apparently, aging is optional.
1. You are as old as you feel...I'm guessing Caleb is still feeling three-ish.
2. Maybe we should abolish birthday and just celebrate each other every day....
3. I think I should work on Calebs birthday etiquette...he thinks he is supposed to play with each present as he opens it.
4. It is not often you get to witness pure, unadulterated joy...milk it for all it's worth.
5. I'm so glad that he's my boy.