Thursday, April 21, 2011

So I'm Not Job.....What Now?????

As I have traversed this wacky little path that has become my life, I have tried to live by the mantra, "I'm trying to be Job and NOT Jonah."

For those of you who don't know who these fine gentlemen are, Job is one of my heroes.  He so awesome, Satan had to get permission from God before smiting him.  Satan gave him every plague imaginable (including boils he had to lance, scrape and burn himself) and yet, after each trial, he gave thanks to God that he was still here.  Jonah on the other hand, was given a mission from God, and instead of doing what he was told the first time, he went the opposite direction, had to get scooped up by a whale and turned in the proper direction.  He DID do what he was told...but it took a little more prodding to get him there.

Well....I think it has gotten pretty obvious that I am SO not Job.  I honestly and truly hit the 'proverbial' wall last week.  I don't think I can take much more.

So, without giving too much information, I need to figure out what to do about it.  And yes, suggestions are welcome.

So far here is the plan of action:

1. Stop shutting myself in my little bubble.  My bubble is a little bit bigger than a personal space bubble.  It pretty much encompasses my house, but I still cringe when people try to pop it and come in.  I am working on an open door policy, which is absolutely frightening for me because it just makes me think about what I am going to be missing after we move.

2. Say thank you more.  To Heavenly Father, to my friends to my children.  That really is a more Job-ish thing to do, and it something I think I have been lacking in lately.  It's hard to be grateful when you aren't getting what you want....but, then again life isn't about what you want...it's really about what you NEED!

3. Stop stuffing my face.  Or, at the very least, if I am going to stuff my face try and throw a few more vegetables in the mix.  My best friend told me that even she could tell I was SO done, there was no point sticking a fork in me.  I told her at this point, I would even eat the fork if anyone came near me with it.  To simplify, eating forks is bad (plastic or metal)....

4. Take something off of my plate.  I don't know what yet.  But something has to go.  I even tried to quit one of my jobs yesterday, but they said I could work at home just as easily from Missouri, so they said I couldn't quit.  Have I told you how much I love Alpine Innovations lately?  But this was an awesome jump start for #2 because I think I said thank you about a kabillion times.  But back to number 4.  I may have to actually start accepting help, even if it does tarnish my super tough 'Wonder Woman' exterior....my Jell-O interior will be better off for it.

5. Breathe.  Yeah, you hear people say all of the time, I forgot to breathe.  Well, I need to apologize for all of the times I made fun of people for saying that, because I really did forget to breathe the other day.  It was a little scary, and then I had to question why I wasn't one of those people that forgets to eat, because I could really roll with that right about now.

One thing at a time right now.  God is in the details, because I'm certainly not.  He can handle things, even my tears, lame jokes and ranting.  He is much more appreciative of my smiling and laughter, but thank goodness He accepts my total package.

So even though I am NOT Job, and I'm probably a little bit more Jonah, today I am going to be grateful that Heavenly Father loves me for me....I don't have to be anyone else.

Lessons Learned
1.  I tend to wind myself up without preparing a way to wind down....that falls in the breathing part....if I breathe, it will all be okay.
2.  As terrified as I am by life right now, it's all going to be okay.  I was promised it would be.
3.  It's kind of sad my kids are rolling with things so much better than I am....but thank goodness they can be strong for me when I need them to.  I think it will be time for their nervous breakdowns next week.
4.  As much as I want to believe chocolate cures everything, sadly, it really doesn't.  If you don't believe me, ask my thighs.
5. I have yet to decide if I want the next three months to go fast or slow......I guess it isn't my decision to make.

Monday, April 4, 2011

I'M GONNA BE SHINY! I'M GONNA BE SHINY!

You know how things never quite work out the way they expect....that seems to happen to me A LOT!

The day after Grandma died, Felix got a phone call. "Hey Felix, we think you would be perfect to run the new divisions in Ohio, Wisconsin and Missouri." Of course we asked them to wait a week so that we could get through the funeral. And we did.

Felix started talking to the people involved the next week. Then my dad went in for knee replacement surgery the Wednesday after Grandma was buried. By that Friday, his blood sugar went COMPLETELY out of control and started causing other problems with his major internal organs. That was exciting. He was only supposed to be in the hospital 3 days. Because of all of the complications he was having, he was unable to do the therapy that is SO necessary after joint replacement.

Felix and I went and spent time with him that Friday, and saw how bad things were. To keep an extremely LONG story short, after his blood sugar improved and his kidneys started functioning properly, he developed blood clots in his lungs, then one in his leg....after several weeks, he was able to get into the rehabilitation facility to get his body where it needed to be. He went back to the hospital to get his staples removed, nearly collapsed and was admitted to the ICU. After a night or two there, he went to a regular room where he continued to battle some of his physical demons. After a few more days, he was able to go back to rehab. And after six and a half LONG weeks, he is finally home.

In the meantime........we have found out that Savannah and Baylee both have growth plate related injuries because their growth plates are NOT closing......and because of Baylee's arthritis and some related strength and pain issues, both are starting physical therapy. Meanwhile, Noah had chipped his elbow and Felix damaged the tendon in one of his feet. Oy, and let's not forget that Baylee has new inflammation in her eyes, and absolutely CANNOT back off of her infusion therapy and has some new meds to hopefully combat the possibility of long term damage.

Backing away from the medical drama that never seems to end, I've been slowly working through Grandma's things. Taking her food to the food bank was one of the most difficult, yet rewarding things I have EVER done! Having sorted her clothes yesterday, I realize how much I am ALWAYS going to miss Grandma.

So back to the job drama. Felix began travelling to do interviews. One interviewer would say we didn't have to relocate, while another said there was ABSOLUTELY no choice. It went back and forth and back and forth.

Finally they made an offer, we countered, they countered, we said no. Then they came back and said, absolutely you can have what you want. So....it would seem we will be moving to Missouri at the end of July, beginning of August.

So why air all of this dirty laundry??? Mostly because, it has been an emotional journey....I am never going to feel the same about February and March....and maybe the beginning of April. But in spite of ALL of the crazy, I've managed to walk away with a new perspective.

One of my very favorite parables is the story of the Refiner's Fire. The vivid picture of being placed directly in the fire and then carefully molded, again and again, until you are perfect and shiny. In fact you are so perfect, the Savior's image can be seen in you.

Well, that is where I am right now, I keep getting thrown into the fire. Sometimes I get hit with the realization of just how stubborn I am. I realize that my stubborness is going to be reflected in how many times I go into the fire, how long I stay in the fire and how long it is going to take before I am polished like I need to be.

I am so grateful to have a loving and PATIENT Heavenly Father that will take the time to mold me in His image. I am so grateful that I can completely trust in Him, because with all of the chaos in my life....I don't completely trust myself.

Since I am the mayor of crazy town, and figure that no matter where I live I am always going to be in crazy town.....I just have to keep reminding myself of exactly HOW shiny I am going to be....and that is REALLY, REALLY shiny!!!!

Lessons Learned
1. Whoa.....I know, right?
2. There is always calm within the storm.....not just before and after.
3. I'm glad to know that I am strong enough to listen and OBEY....although I didn't say that I wouldn't mope and complain a bit.
4. Change is good....right?
5. So much to do, so little time.
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