Friday, November 19, 2010

Death by SPOON

Oh, the weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth that made it's way up to our room from the basement.  Each footstep, heavy with whatever travesty had befallen the woeful child.

As Caleb came into our room, he threw himself onto our bed and loudly cried, "Noah, turned off my program......WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH".  So we (being the incredibly just Solomon type parents that we are) asked Caleb what Noah's punishment should be.

"Should we ground him for 2 weeks?" Felix asked.  "How about we cut off his hand for touching the remote?" I asked.  Caleb looked at us and said, "YES."

As Felix and I giggled, Caleb continued to offer suggestions as to how we could correct the problem.  "We should cut off his other hand too, in case he tries to use that to change the channel."  Felix and I started giggling even harder, and then we hear, "And we should cut off his legs too, so he can't get to the remote."

At which point Felix and I lost it and started quoting Robin Hood (Kevin Costner version).  "I'll cut your heart out with a spoon...." "Why a spoon cousin?"  "Because it's dull, and it'll hurt more."  Caleb was crying in the background about how this wasn't "hysterical", it was "serious"....NOAH CHANGED THE CHANNEL.

We asked Caleb how we should do the punishment....his sweet and honest reply was "Chainsaw........or spoon."

We called Noah up and asked Caleb to explain the punishment to Noah.

"First," he says, "You are grounded for 2 weeks."  [Imagine Noah flipping out in the background]
"Then we will cut your hand off, then the other hand so you can't touch the remote.  Then we will cut your legs off so you can't reach the remote."  Caleb leans over and in his very bestest stage whisper asked, "Why do we use a spoon?"

As we all completely dissolved into fits of laughter, Noah went and got a plastic spoon and said, "I accept my punishment."  So Felix flicked him a few times with the spoons, told his to change the channel back and Felix and I continued laughing.

As I write this little memoir, a voice came over the intercom and said, "Mom, Savannah turned off Caleb's show."

So Felix and I intercommed back, "Savannah come upstairs....AND BRING A SPOON."

Lessons Learned
1.  Caleb might be a smidge vindictive.
2.  He didn't get it from me.
3.  Maybe you had to be there, but that was funny.  I don't care who you are, that was funny.
4.  Don't worry....we told Caleb it wasn't okay to cut people's arms and legs off.
5.  BECAUSE IT'S DULL AND IT WILL HURT MORE.....It was funny then, and it's funny now.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


I may have mentioned before, there are very large and very different personalities in my house. 

Last Friday was the kids payday....time for allowance.  We used to give it weekly, but in order to teach budgeting, we switched to that has been fun.  I think I upped my "Mom, can I have....?" quotient by at least a thousand.

Well last month....not so many chores have gotten done.  I am the kind of employer that only pays for work performed....because we spent so much time riding the crazy train last month I wasn't able to keep as close of track as I usually do.  So I thought I would try a little experiment.  I asked the kids to tell me how much allowance they should get, and they had to justify it to me.  I really wanted to see what their perspective was on how much they had to do around the house.

It went a little something like this:

MOM:  Tell me how much I should give you and why.


She stood up, went to the basement and closed the door behind her.  Ahhhhhh, thirteen.


Per true Noah style, he grabbed a piece of paper, figured out average number of "workdays" in the year, worked it down to an average number of days.  Figured out a daily rate for his chores, then of course, had to work out the most likely percentage of what he had actually done.  After the computations were complete, it came out to $17.61...but he said, "How about we make it an even case there was an error in my math."  Then he turned to Baylee and said, "You are getting way less than that because you didn't do any chores hardly at all!"


Baylee looked my square in the eye and said, "Seventeen dollars".  I asked, "Why?".  Her extremely honest reply was, "because Noah said I couldn't get that much."  I must remind myself to ask more specific questions, such as "Tell me how much allowance you should have based on the amount of work you think you did."


"I don't really care about allowance mom, I just want a pillow pet."

To be fair to my personalities, I mean children, I won't divulge the amount of allowance they got....except that between Caleb's savings and allowance he did manage to eek out a pillow pet.

Lessons Learned
1. Be very, very specific.
2. Next....converse with each child individually....I'll save much loudness and time.
3. Keep track so I don't have to ask them.
4. Skip allowance all together and hire them out as child laborers.
5. Skip allowance and make everything they do part of the responsibility of being a family.  Somehow, I don't think 4 and 5 are going to fly.....

Thursday, November 11, 2010

The Darkest Hour is Just Before Dawn

Well, I'm here to tell you, nuh-uh.  In my humblest opinion, I'm going to have to go for roughly 2:30 to 3:30 ish.

As an avid insomniac, all sorts of fun and wonderful things can happen in the dead of night....except of course,quiet. 

I think I have been taking my BFF Ambien for granted lately.  You know, Ambi is very consistent, for the most part....but on occasion, like last night, we just don't seem to get along.  So I figure this is my wake-up call (get it, wake-up call?), to be grateful for pharmaceuticals that let me rest more often than not.

After my monthly night out with the girls at the giggle fest, I came home wound up.  I don't get to laugh that hard on a regular it takes me a while to come down off my giggle high.  Kids in bed, drugs in mom, television off by 11.  No problem.

Side Note: Felix started using a CPAP about 3 weeks ago.  No snoring, but hoses and humming and don't get me started about what happens if he opens his mouth.  Last night Felix decided to go sans CPAP.  He was exhausted, had a stuffy nose, so he couldn't use his 'nose pillows'....that isn't what they look like, but ok.

He was asleep in 2 seconds flat, and snoring with every single breath.  Every............Single...........Breath.  So at 12:45, when I hear grandma turn on the house alarm, I know she is heading to bed and I can go downstairs and figure out what to do. 

I try sleeping on the couch....unfortunately this is what happens:
-Cat gets lonely, climbs on me and is generally annoying
-Grandma starts moving furniture (I don't know if that is what she was doing, but it sure sounded like it)
-Grandma turns TV up to hear over whatever she is doing
-Cats start playing hockey with empty cat food cans
-Automatic litter box goes off, gets jammed, resets and goes off again
-Cat gets lonely, comes back and is generally annoying
-I resettle, start to drift off, and the smoke detector starts doing its' beepy warning "I need a new battery" thing....REALLY.
-Cat gets lonely, comes back and is absolutely annoying

So I decide it's TV time.  It's about 2am at this point, so what do I watch....that would be Storm Chasers...nice, relaxing TV show.  I turn on the computer and annoy myself on Facebook, checking out the news and thinking bad things about politicians.  Sigh....

At this point, the cat comes back....again....and not only annoys me, but takes my blanket.  Jerk kitty.  So I finally give up and decided to go back to bed. 

And Felix is snoring....I love him, but this was just SO NOT THE NIGHT for this.  I try and match my breathing to his rhythm and pretend I am on a beach somewhere watching the crystalline waters lap over warm I start to drift off, the cat starts snoring.  Super sigh.

I try again, get comfortable in my beach chair and settle in to my beautiful beach view.  Just as I set one foot into the great subconscious of sleep, Caleb starts crying.  Super duper sigh.

He stops....and I try again.  It's getting harder to find my happy place.  That does not make me happy.  In the middle of my attempt, Caleb cries again and comes into my room....thinking he has majorly tossed his cookies, I wake up from my not sleeping stupor to find out what is wrong and he has to go to the bathroom....since when does he wake me up to tell me that?  He does his bidness and heads back to bed.

I lay quietly, pretending that I can sleep.  I glance at the clock....3:48....hmmmmmm, what to do what to do.

The next thing I know, Noah walks in at 7:23 to tell  me I overslept.

Lessons Learned
1. I'm seriously going to have to start meditating before bed.
2. I hate insomnia.
3. I really hate insomnia.
4. I really need some sleep.
5. This is so not funny.....You would think after 10 years of fun with insomnia, I would be way better at this.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Bad Mood Bob

I'm having a bad day.  No particular reason....I am just in an EXTREMELY hateful mood.  I'm guessing that I am putting this in the blog because I look at it as some sort of penance or something. 

I really don't get like this very often.  For the most part, I try to be positive...even when things are insane.  The rest of the time, I just eat chocolate.

On our way to the pharmacy from today's doctor appointment (because we don't spend enough time with medical professionals), these are but a sample of the things that were going on in my head.

-Stop flicking your cigarette and drive the speed limit...moron.
-No, putting your sunglasses on top of your head don't make you look makes you squint....moron.
-Stop talking.
****Stoplight****  This is the part where I have to choke back tears at the stoplight for thinking mean things about strangers.  Then the light turns green....
-I hate green.
-Why did you stop in front of the I'm stuck.
-That's an ugly car.
-The long pedal means go...moron.
-Did you just give me a dirty look....that was dumb.
-Why is everybody so stupid?
****Stoplight****  Back to crying.
-Does everyone and their freakin' grandma have a handicapped placard...sheesh, those things used to mean something.
-Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh.....why am I so hateful?
-Because everyone else is stupid.
-That's not nice.
-Who asked you?
****Started wishing for a stoplight so I could put my extra personality away****
-I hate Thursday
-Why was it named Thursday.
-That was stupid
-How many ways can I say hateful?  One HATEFUL.

Anyways, you get the point.  These are the kinds of things that go on in my's really a pretty scary place in there....unless of course, I am in the part that has rainbows, unicorns and sparkly things.

Lessons Learned
1.  It may be time for anger management.
2.  No....I don't want to talk about it.
3.  I only have about 6 hours left before my 24 hour pity party is over.
4.  Maybe I should call Ben and Jerry?
5.  Hmmmmm, you know it's bad when chocolate doesn't even sound like it will fix everything.

The Ho's Are Back in Town

Does anyone else ever have anything come  back and bite them in the tushie or is it just me?

During the summer, we had an interesting conversation about what Ho's are....not the gardening type either.  You can refer back if you need a refresher....

I had to pick Baylee up from school (rough day with many, many, many phone calls and tears...and I suck as a mom, but let's just leave that right there).  Caleb was in the car and we made it about halfway home before we had the following conversation....

Caleb:  I know how to say red in Spanish.

Mom:  How?

Caleb:  Rojo.

Mom:  Very good.

Caleb:  Baylee's a ho.

Mom:  WHAT?

Caleb:  Is ho a bad word?

Mom:  Ummmmmm, yeah.

Caleb:  Then why is it in rojo?

Mom:  Because it is part of a WHOLE word.  When you say Ho all by itself, it isn't a nice word.

Caleb:  So Baylee isn't a Ho?

Mom:  No.

Lessons Learned
1. I need to learn to shut up.
2. Trying to figure out if I learned anything else, other than lesson number 1.
3. My children need to stop paying attention to me.
4. I don't know if I deserve my children....but I am quite certain I DESERVE them.
5. This should make my mom happy, since she was the Ho this summer.