Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Why are there silent consonents? Like Gnat, gnu or knock, knee...Don't you think they want to be heard?

Lessons Learned
1. I have officially lost it. Unfortunately, I don't know what it is, and if I ever really had it.
2. Don't 2 syllables sound much more commanding than single syllables...try it, you know you want to...Guh-nat, Kuh-nock
3. Why is the alphabet limited to only 26 letters?
4. And why is Y the only letter that can be a consonent and a vowel...don't you think Y is lonely?
5. Now, I'm sure, I never had it...therefore I do not need to worry about having lost it.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Wondertwin powers, ACTIVATE!

Lessons Learned
1. Ummmm, they are called random thoughts for a reason.
2. I think perhaps, I have spent too much time watching Boomerang.
3. Is it possible to get more random? (Starting to have doubt)
4. (Sigh) I think my brain might be tired. (Sigh)
5. Although, having Wondertwin powers to activate, would be pretty dang cool.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Tattletales of the World Unite

On a quick excursion to Macey's to buy the medication forgotten at my earlier adventure at Walgreens, I walked in only to be greeted by a boisterous, obnoxious, and quite frankly ANNOYING group of late teens, early twenty-somethings. It wouldn't have been a big deal, except for the fact they were right by the bulk foods and ummm, I was out of chocolate covered cinnamon bears. HELLO...move it or lose it, I am a woman in crisis.

Fortunately for me, they moved ten feet to the right, so the all important cinnamon bears were now accessible. As I began to gently gather my necessary source of nutrition, I was COMPLETELY grossed out by one of the aforementioned unruly crowd as he walked around the bulk food items, reaching in and making his own snack time...YUCK. So I finished my business at the bulk food section, and moved to the Caffeine Free Diet Coke section. Loaded up and moved out...I had to get the medication for the people who REALLY had issues. Got it and headed out.

As I was in line, the very loud and seemingly becoming more unruly group continued to have a love-fest in bulk foods. By the time I reached the cashier, I leaned over and said, "I don't know if anyone cares, but that group over there is having snack time in the bulk food section. And number one, EW GROSS and number two, that makes my grocery bill go up to pay for the snackage."

And you know, I was amazed. There were two managers over there in like 30 seconds. YAY. The cashier, looked at me and said, "Thank you so much. I am a germaphobe, I don't even open doors without a handkerchief. Now I can't ever eat from the bulk food section. But thank you for letting us know." At that point he tried to give me handfuls of the candy they keep for the kids.

Lessons Learned
1. Crime doesn't pay.
2. I am SO a policemans daughter.
3. Don't stick your hand in the bulk food bin unless you have on gloves or the candy is wrapped. DUH.
4. At least I know where Savannah gets her talent from.
5. Since I can't be mother of the year, I guess I will settle for protecting the every day consumer from dorks. (I am going to have a T-shirt made)

She Dislocated Her Wutt?

Okay...I have had so many random thoughts in the last 48 hours, that I gave up and decided I should tell a story instead. Now before you begin, I would just like to point out that I have not gone and jumped off the spelling wagon...it will all make sense, I promise. And if you would like you can hum the 'Had a Bad Day' song while you read.

This thread begins where our adventure at the Body Worlds Exhibit ends on Saturday night. We went to dinner, enjoyed it and came home...too pooped to pop. Felix, Savannah and I headed upstairs to try and finish up the 24 CD we are on (we would really like to be caught up before 24 starts up again). After we made it through one episode, Caleb comes upstairs and says Baylee is hurt and needs our help. We tell him to go down and tell the drama queen to come upstairs herself.

We had so much fun with this little exchange, we opted for the repeat option and did about 5 more times. Word for word, action for action, huffy breath for huffy breath. Finally, Felix and I decided that since Savannah was younger and in such better health she had to go down and check on Baylee (and it is part of their 12 step program, to admit they have a problem with one another and have to work on being nice). After a few minutes, we start to hear, bump...bump...bump...bump...bump...and really, either someone had really severe gastrointestinal distress or someone was dragging something up the steps.

Then we see Savannah drag Baylee up the 4 steps to our room. She wasn't crying, she didn't even say she hurt anywhere. I looked at her, told her to get up. She said she couldn't because she couldn't feel her legs...And the Oscar goes to... Finally, after she lays immobile on the floor for about 5 minutes I go over to check on her. Other than having really stiff legs, I couldn't find anything wrong, except maybe that her feet weren't reacting to touch at all. She did however start screaming every time I brushed by her legs. I finally ask what happened and find out she was sitting in her saucer chair, which Caleb pushed over. She fell, but she said that it didn't hurt, but when she tried to stand up she couldn't because she couldn't feel her legs. I decided we were have a melodrama infused night, and gave her some Tylenol and put her in her brothers bed. Eventually Savannah went to bed in there and so did Caleb. I guess misery loves company.

So we get up on Sunday morning with the usual crazy that it included in trying to get a family of 6 out the door and to church on time at 9 am (I can't wait for the 11 o'clock time to roll around). Felix has to take the boys and Savannah and I have to get Baylee dressed, medicated and carried to the car. Because for some reason, I still thought we had some drama going on (look boys and girls...there really is a reason why I am NOT mother of the year). So we make it to the church and through the passing of the sacrament when Baylee starts moaning, and getting more and more pale. We decided it was time.

I picked her up and got to AF Hospital as quickly as I could. Fortunately, there was hardly any one there. They got us a wheelchair and right back to a room. They did all of the necessary stuff, and then we waited for the ER doc. Once he came in, I gave him a rundown of her history (which took a few minutes, thanks to the never ending excitement her health adds to our lives), and explained, I was relatively sure it was not realted to her arthritis, Sever' Disease, or any of the other fun things. I believe it was trauma related. The doctor checked the sensitivity of her feet, her left foot was still non-reactive, but her right foot was...YAY-Progress.

So we went and did a whole battery of x-rays. And then we waited...looking back, along with plumbing, I have done a heck of a lot of waiting in the past year, hmmm, is it me?

After a couple of hours, the ER doc comes in and says, the Xrays are fine. It's probably arthritis, here's some Lortab, go home and call her rheumatologist tomorrow. Seriously? SERIOUSLY. So basically this guy was sending home a child who, for an unknown reason, simply couldn't walk...and I was supposed to be okay with this. I explained again that I believed it was trauma related, not arthritis related. The sudden onset should have been his first clue...ya think? But I guess, unknown to me, it was turn away a child day at the hospital. I HATE it when I don't get the memo.

So I took the drugs, took the kid and my horrible attitude and went home. My parents left their meetings early so my father could help administer a blessing. It was a much needed source of peace.

We made it through the course of the day with me carrying, clothing, feeding, etc, etc, etc poor Baylee. By the end of the day, she was able to stand with help. I was starting to feel better, until I remembered that the doctor didn't do (in my extremely humble, okay, maybe not humble opinion) his due diligence where my daughter was concerned.

I woke up at 7 am this morning, to make an appointment with the pediatrician, because I wasn't sure if I would be able to reach the rheumatologist. We decided to save the rest of the Lortab for night, and started Tylenol-ing up. It was probably the longest morning of my life. As we were getting ready to head to the doctor, the rheumatologist called, and agreed that it was likely trauma related. We were instructed to head to the pediatrician, and if we had any problems today, call them tomorrow and they would see us and get us in for a CT scan.

We made it to the pediatrician, and placed ourselves right in front of the fish tank. I'm pretty sure that each of us had a giant blank stare on our faces, while we were pretending everything was hunky dory.

We went back to the room, did her vitals and waited. Baylee was terrified at this point. She has had MRI's in the past, and didn't like the experience. She was tortured at the thought that she might have to do another.

The doctor finally came in, did an incredibly thorough exam, made a few adjustments to her back, and explained she popped out her sacroiliac. We received a prescription for more Lortab, because in the next few days, she was definitely going to need it as the nerves that had been compressed wake up.

Now if you are still asking yourself what exactly, is a sacroiliac? Simple, she dislocated her ummm, well, it rhymes with wutt (only it starts with a B). If you have questions, you know how to reach me.

Lessons Learned
1. You know what, sometimes you just have to laugh even when crying is so much easier.
2. It isn't everyone that dislocated their umm, it rhymes with wutt.
3. Baylee is one of the most incredible people I have had the honor of knowing...she is tougher than nails.
4. When you have to make the choice between laughing or crying...pick laughing...it burns calories.
5. This would explain why my current diet consists of chocolate covered cinnamon bears and caffeine free diet coke.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

If you asked someone a question, and their response was I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you (and they meant it), would you say yes just for the satisfaction of having your question answered?

Lessons Learned
1. Yes, these thoughts really do go through my head.
2. I'm still waiting for my epiphany on the answer.
3. I think I'm bored.
4. I think I need a diversion.
5. I'm pretty sure that I have at least one personality that could answer the question for me, then I wouldn't have to ask someone else and I would be able to completely avoid the whole incident.

Line 'Em Up

Yesterday, Felix, Savannah, my parents and I decided to have an adventure...not that every day living isn't adventure enough...but we decided it was high time for a field trip. We headed to the Body Worlds exhibit at the Library Complex in Salt Lake.

We left plenty early to secure parking....oh, we so way learned from our symphony adventure. Forturnately, we went into the parking garage and found the one and only available space right next to where we had to go in. YAY US. That kind of thing rarely happens to us, but we were grateful it did.

We managed to head in and find out where the line for the 2:30 tickets was (were?). We were directed down to the basement where a long line of eager museum fiends gathered. We took our place at the end of the line, and then took turns in the bathroom so that we wouldn't have to run through the exhibit.

We were so excited, because we were only in line about 15 minute and we started to move. After finding out how many were in our party, after a brief moment we were taken upstairs...ROCK ON, we couldn't wait to see all of this stuff that my family had personal experience with thanks to our own desire to keep the medical profession on its toes.

As we excitedly pranced up the stairs, we were stopped dead in our tracks because we were in another line. WOW. We decided it wasn't too bad, the line was moving pretty good, so our excitement didn't really fizzle out. We were so excited and we couldn't wait to see all of the skinless exhibits...Discovery Channel LIVE AND IN PERSON...okay, not really live. I mean I was alive, the exhibits weren't, but this is the kind of thing I get a kick out of.

And way we made to the front of the line in about 15 minutes, not bad. That meant we would make it in time to keep our babysitter from hating our guts. At the front of our line, our hearts fell as we were directed to the back of the next line. As we pulled our dejected excitement slowly behind us, we did get a kick out of the entertainment. There was a skeleton projected up on the wall that you can send text messages to and have projected up on the wall. Felix texted 'Did you come for the 2:30 ticket time too?' There were really some very clever people in line...and of course, some that were so lame you had to think, are they really going to get the exhibit as they walk through? Okay...I know I am judging...but, before you judge me too harshly...just know that I judged myself too, and my judgement of me was that I was too lame to send a text message...okay?

Well after about 30 minutes we made it to the front of the line, where we were directed to, guess what? A NEW LINE. This was so way better than Disneyland. Because I don't know why any one else goes to Disneyland, but I go for the lines...Heaven, I'm in Heaven...WOOHOO.

About halfway through the fourth line there were signs telling you no food, no drink, no gum, no cell phones, no flash photography, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera...Well after an hour in various lines, we decided that was more of a guideline than a rule. You know, kind of like how 2:30 was more of a suggestion....

As we made it to the front of this line, we started to get excited again because yay, we didn't see a line in front of us. So we marched up the stairs, excited to get started and again, were dejected as we realized we were at the end of another line. We were in this line for about 20 more minutes...and really we got to know one another again. Really, there wasn't anything else to do.

We happened to be near the screen where they take disabled and elderly folks to the elevator, and unfortunately, a very well seasoned woman was taken through our line to the elevator. The unfortunate part was that we were there to see her, and she became fodder for our mean and sadistic sense of humor that seems to run in my family. Although, by the end of the conversation, we had made a pact to look for her near the end of the exhibit...nuff said?

Okay, we made it to the front of this line, and they scanned the tickets, we walked through the turnstile and Felix had to, really, he just had to, turn around and ask where the end of the next line was...we are so mean. Expecially since we all had to subdue our laughter when she said that there were no more lines, the exhibit started right there...behind that guy...okay...no lines my tushie.

There were really not any more lines, only the people with the guided tour who were block all of the through ways. It was crazy. For about the first 25 minutes, every exhibit we viewed, we had a corresponding family health story. It was really kind of sad. Although, we couldn't help snickering through the entire exhibit.

It was all very cool though. Savannah couldn't handle all of the tiny babies, so we had to kind of run through that part. But I gotta tell ya, Savannah does not want to smoke, drink or eat fat ANY MORE. I wish I could be deterred that easily (about the fatty food part, I don't want to smoke or drink...kay?). She also is able to readily tell the difference between men and women. She was pretty grossed out. I couldn't help but laugh, because Felix just responded to all of her questions, with ASK YOUR MOTHER. The big baby. But, at least we have had 'the talk' and Felix gets the next one. Ha ha.

By the end of the exhibit, we were starting to get tired of swapping doctor, surgery, ambulatory and non-ambulatory stories and decided it was time to move on. It was fun, but standing in line that long kind of does a number on people who have had double knee replacement, multiple back surgeries and a host of other fun experiences...it was kind of old hat for us.

Lessons Learned
1. A lot of the people who donated their bodies to science were smokers.
2. I still haven't figured out why there was a naked ballet dancer picture there.
3. I also am not sure why they had the trapeze body so heavily taped to the trapeze...did they think she was going to fall off and get hurt or something?
4. We never did find a gall bladder...bummer, we had multiple stories to swap on that one.
5. I'm grateful the people directing us to the lines didn't have cattle prods...oh, and, um MOO.

All Christmas-ed Out



Well, thanks to our marvelous calendar my Christmas was all messed up. Not you know, the holiday itself, but the timing of everything. Thanksgiving was way too late, wihch threw off my putting up the tree the day after Christmas. So that didn't happen until a week late, which threw my kitty into a tailspin and made her confuse the Christmas tree for a bed. Go figure.

Anyways, we had a wonderful time getting ready for Christmas, although we had to warn the kids that we were doing a smaller Christmas than usual. And no, it wasn't because the economy. We decided that we had been richly blessed and we wanted to take as much of the commercialism out of Christmas as possible. We did do a few gifts, but not nearly the insanity we were used to.

We also started a new tradition this year, that the kids could not buy any gifts for one another. After the weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth subsided, I was able to explain that they would each be writing a letter to each member of the family explaining one of their favorite things about that person and a gift of service they would be willing to give. It turned out absolutely fantastic and I gained some really amazing insight into my children about how well they really know each other. It was wonderful to see that inspite of the disgust with one another they usually exude, they really do have good feelings towards one another, way, way, way, way, way, way down deep.

Fortunately, there were no "What I really wanted"'s this year, because I managed to open my eyes and get them mostly gift cards so they could get what they wanted. Man, it took a lot of pressure off.

As we begin to round out this year, we wish you joy, hope, prosperity and most importantly, happiness.

Lessons Learned

1. With proper perspective, the holidays DO have more meaning and truly can last the entirety of the year.

2. Laughter really is the best medicine.

3. There is joy in togetherness.

4. We really do like one another when we aren't pretending to hate one another.

5. Giving is truly better than receiving.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Who thought up the word for pea(s)? And why did they name a food something that sounded like a bodily function?

Lessons Learned
1. Do you really need to know what kind of day I had to come up with a question like this?
2. And you thought terrorists were scary...try living inside my head.
3. Kids can draw conclusions where there are none, so can I.
4. Is it immaturity that spurs the question or an 'enquiring' mind that wants to know?
5. I hope tomorrow has better fodder for me to play with.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

If someone says you are skating on thin ice, do you automatically look down?

Lessons Learned
1. OK, fine. Yes, I do. I am just that muddled that when someone says that to me I have to look down and see when I actually got on ice.
2. Here is my Plato, Socrates and Aristotle moment all rolled into one...You can't see where you are going, until you have seen where you have been.
3. Thank goodness for old philosphers...I never would have been able to come up with number 2 on my own (giggle, giggle, I typed number two, bah, ha, ha, ha, ha)
4. Is it possible that you actually want to be on thin ice and the proper response is, 'Thank goodness, I have finally made it.' ? It could happen.
5. Children like thin ice...it gives them purpose to go on.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

How come when I hit escape I am still here? And where do I think I am going to go?

Lessons Learned
1. Calgon, oh Calgon, where for art thou Calgon?
2. Wouldn't it be cool to have a transporter beam like on Star Trek and then when your kids are mean to you, you can say cool stuff like, 'Beam me up, SNOTTY.'
3. Where would I go...I hate to travel...bugger, I have stumbled upon a conundrum.
4. I don't think escaping would actually help.
5. I could escape inside my mind, (loud echo) my mind, (medium echo) my mind, (soft echo), my mind....YAY it's vacant and available immediately.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

If you have to think it up, is it really a random thought?

Lessons Learned
1. I'm not that deep.
2. I really could ponder that for a REALLY long time.
3. What was the 'Thinker' statue really thinking?
4. Yup, still not that deep.
5. I'm going to go an wade in the shallow end of my brain now....

Friday, December 19, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

If Iggy's Bar and Grill has chicken balls, who has the rest of the chicken?

Lessons Learned
1. Don't dare me...I will do it.
2. Someone really thought this would be a good menu item.
3. Why?
4. Really?
5. There are lessons everywhere, if you look.

Ode to the 12 Days of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a partridge in a pear tree. Ummmm, what is a partridge and what the hud is it doing in my tree?

On the second day of Christmas my true love game to me two turtle doves and a patridge in a pear tree. Great, it's that wretched partridge again and now doves? That's it, I'm calling animal control.

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me three french hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree. What the hud is up with the flipping birds? Who's going to clean up all of the poop?

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves and a patridge in a pear tree. Are they remaking Hitchcocks birds or something? HELP ME.

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me 5 golden rings, four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree. That's right we are in Utah, so 5 golden rings is perfectly acceptable. At least there will be help to build the aviary.

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me 6 geese a laying, 5 golden rings, four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree. Great, now it's not only bird poop, but eggs too. GRAND.

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me 7 swans a swimming, 6 geese a laying, 5 golden rings, four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree. I don't have a pool, why the heck are they here? Where's my gun? Swans aren't a protected species are they?

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me 8 maids a milking, 7 swans a swimming, 6 geese a laying, 5 golden rings, four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree. Milking what? We only have stupid birds.

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a milking, 7 swans a swimming, 6 geese a laying, 5 golden rings, four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree. Has anyone told them that they are dancing on bird poop and eggs yet?

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me 10 lords a leaping, 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a milking, 7 swans a swimming, 6 geese a laying, 5 golden rings, four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree. Okay, the lords a leaping got the memo...at least they are trying to avoid the bird poop.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me 11 pipers piping, 10 lords a leaping, 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a milking, 7 swans a swimming, 6 geese a laying, 5 golden rings, four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree. Great, the plumbers are here. What do they think they are going to accomplish, birds don't use toilets.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me 12 drummers drumming, 11 pipers piping, 10 lords a leaping, 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a milking, 7 swans a swimming, 6 geese a laying, 5 golden rings, four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree. Well, with any luck at all they will drum everyone out of here so I can clean up the poop.

Lessons Learned
1. I'm a cynic.
2. You can make fun of absolutely anything, if you are willing to do the job.
3. I really hope that there was some hidden meaning behind all of this, because if I got some of these insane gifts, there would be [expletive deleted] to pay.
4. Was the true love trying woo her or poo her?
5. The lighter side of life is fun.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

When you walk into a room and hear circus music, does that say something about your life?

Lessons Learned
1. Yes, it does.
2. It frightens me.
3. A lot.
4. It gets worse when you close your eyes and see pink elephants.
5. Still scary.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

If apples tasted like cheesecake, would they still be good for you?

Lessons Learned
1. It tastes like cheesecake...who cares what it is called.
2. I don't think it would make me eat any healthier
3. Ummmmm.....cheesecake
4. Apple pie cheesecake....OH YEAH
5. CHEESECAKE

Monday, December 15, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

I have decided that in order to spice up my life, I needed a little competition. So I am going to try and best a completely fictional character...Jack Handy. Some of you, more than are willing to admit, LOVED Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy from Saturday Night Live...you know, back when it was funny. So here is your warning...you won't get another...but these random thoughts may start showing up more frequently.

Random Thought of the Day

When you take a drink of milk, start laughing suddenly and milk comes out of your nose...is that considered backwash?

Lessons Learned
1. Ummmmmmmmm, ew.
2. Could it be nose spew?
3. Fore-wash?
4. More politically correct, esophagus challenged dairy product from happy cows (not sad ones, only happy ones)?
5. Do I seriously have this much time on my hands? Yes, yes I do.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

If you burp and no one else is around, should you say excuse me? And does the size of the burp matter?

Lessons Learned
1. I don't really know what you could learn from this other than my brain comes up with all sorts of weird things when it is winding down.
2. I think good manners should be used all of the time...don't you?
3. If you pause to actually think about this, call me...let's do lunch.
4. I am worried about what might be hiding behind my weird random thoughts...and do I dare try to find out?
5. Okay...I think my brain might be out of gas....gas, get it?

One of THOSE Days

When reading the title of this post, make sure to say THOSE with that lilt in your voice. You know the one...you tend to use it with nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Okay, moving on....

I will be the first to admit that large number of my days are THOSE days. I am not ashamed to admit it. But even for me, in the twisted little world I live in, it was one of THOSE days.

It's Saturday. I went to bed last night with the intention of sleeping in. I never get to sleep in...never, ever, never, ever to infinity plus one (I win). I should have recognized the signs right away. The first and most obvious sign, was that everyone went to bed, on time AND without a fight...that signals DOOMSDAY in the biggest way imaginable. Why I didn't pick up on it, I will never know. My guess, I would too tired to recognize the signs...that is how much I wanted to sleep. In fact, it was so obvious, that if it were 20 feet tall in my living room, smoking a cigar while dancing a jig, it couldn't have been more obvious than it already was. Well, now that I feel I have made my point I can continue knowing that I got at least one thing right today.

So as we all tried to softly drift into a night of peaceful, dreamless sleep...Caleb popped in at about 10:30 scared out of his mind. After an hour of calming him down we both settled back in at around 11:30. At 12:30, the first nightmare hit. At 2:30, it was about time for Caleb to have a potty break. At 5:30, well, who knows...I was just awake...splendid. So my plan for sleeping in was thwarted by the three year olds imagination and bladder. Okey dokey.

At 7:30 I decided I should go to the store. Why? Well, I don't know about your house, but at mine, when every body wakes, they have all developed this strange habit of needing to 'use the facilities'. And since I was out of toilet paper, I could see the DOOM spelled out. Since Baylee was up, I figured she could go with me. It had been a bit of a difficult week for the two of us, and I was hoping to show her that on some level, we still liked each other.

Off we went. We had a perfectly lovely time buying toilet paper and paper towels and all of the good things that families are founded on. She had a few bucks, so she did her own bit of shopping. We checked out and headed to the car, at which point she decided that she wanted a drink. Ummmmm, no. I had already paid, and there was NO WAY I was getting back in line. So instead, I was the proud recipient of the tantrum of the century all the way home. It was SO fun...you should all be jealous. By the time we got home, she had earned 20 minutes in time out. Probably a good thing....I think she has become accustomed to breathing. So off to time out she went. After fifteen good solid minutes of screaming about being thirsty, I finally chucked a bottle of water her way. And her response? Just know that this is a true story. Her response was, "I wanted ice." You have got to be kidding me. Seriously, I can't make this stuff up...even with my imagination, I am NOT that good.

As soon as the ice comment hit, Savannah was all over me about taking her to the store, because how dare I play favorites...because that it was I always do. My children haven't clued in to the fact, that everything I do is actually an extreme right wing conspiracy. So off to the store we go. We head to Target first, because she is sure that the exact pen she wants is there. And after 20 minutes of looking, checking with a Target employee and calling the friend that had the pen...we tripped upon the discovery, that Target does not carry that. But Justice does. Too bad Justice doesn't open for another 30 minutes. But lucky, lucky me I was treated to the explanation that all bad things in the world are my fault. I am glad she told me, I didn't know.

Once we got home, Noah had a coniption fit about not getting a turn to the store. Of course. Why not...that is all I had planned for the day...shopping....for nothing....with crabby children.

I struck a bargain with them and said if they hurried and got their chores done, we could take more trip out. Felix had to head to work to fix a problem, so I was left to enjoy the crabbiness that had eeked in to every pore.

They started their chores. Too bad they weren't as excited about finishing. They were really good about getting going...unfortunately, Caleb decided at about this time he was a high flying trapeze monkey ninja. After a series of 'Hiyahs' and assorted kicks and punches into thin air, he started tackling Savannah and Baylee who were absolutely thrilled by the attention. So thrilled in fact, that they spent thirty minutes screaming about how nothing ever got done around the house unless they did it, and had to deal with Caleb ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Somewhere around here Caleb started calling everybody a stupid punk, holding up his fists and telling them to bring it on. Too bad for him, they did. The brawl was somewhat reminiscent of the fights in Bugs Bunny cartoons, where all you can see is an occasional limb and a big dust cloud.

Finally, everyone settled down. They finished up the bare minimum and off to the store we went. First to Justice. I believe we were in the store a whole 30 seconds when Felix called to say he was done. And folks, I am not as stupid as I look. I called for reinforcements. While he was on his way, Caleb decided that this was the perfect time to have a POOPY attack. We find the bathroom and the apathetic pooper took FOR-EV-ER. By the time he was done, Felix was at the store. He took the boys, I perused with the girls.

Okay...I am seriously not a fan of shopping. Going with two girls who LOVE it, was slightly excrutiating. HATED IT. But they had a good time. Once finished, I called Felix and found out they were at the game store...headed over. Arrived just in time to stop the travesty of a 3 game purchase...I don't think so. When chores start getting done without fighting, I am all about new games...not before.

Then of course, we have to stop back at Felixs' office to get something that had been overlooked. Hurrying as quickly as possible, we got home (barely) since Caleb decided to unbuckle and hide in the car, which nearly gave us all panic attacks. Caleb was so mad at us for being mad at him, he put himself in bed and took a nap. Works for me.

We settled in for a movie and left the children to join us to go do their own thing. After a while, a few friends came over and the chaos ensued. I'm still not quite sure how many marshmallows and gallons of hot chocolate were sacrified to destroy my kitchen. They are martyrs for their cause....

Once the movie was over, I just wasn't hungry. Which usually means I am not cooking. Sorry to the rest of the family...you are ON YOUR OWN. I headed up to chill for a bit. Then Caleb decided that he needed a bath...and he was right. That went really smoothly. It is nice to know that kind of thing can still happen. After his bath Caleb was hungry, and YAY Noah offered to make him a sandwich for dinner.

After about 15 minutes, Caleb came up with a plate full of Nilla Wafers and whipped cream. I didn't want to know. I really didn't. So for as long as I possibly could...I went to that little safe place in my head and pretended like everything was okay. Then I realized that I had to go and put another load of laundry in. Bah humbug.

I made almost all the way down the stairs. ALMOST. I was so close, I could taste it. Really. Because there was whipped cream all over the floor. In order to go an get the mop to clean the mess I had to wade through the sticky goo. I had a major dejavu moment of going to a very old, very not clean movie theater. We have all been there at one point or another...the one that has 10 years of sticky on it. And in order to take a step you have to assist your legs with your hands in order to pull your feet of the floor.

Then I get to clean the floor. It was 9 o'clock and I didn't have anything better to do. Then I found the hot chocolate spill that was left to blend in to the background of the granite countertop. Picking a black counter really has it perks...this wasn't one of them. It hides WAY too much. So off to clean the spill. Which of course sets off my OCD tendency and then I have to clean the entire kitchen and mop the kitchen, living room and entry. YAY ME.

So that comes to really close to now. I was so irritated that I tried to play the piano. And my James Bond was way meaner than it should have been. So I decided to get it all out and write it on a blog entry. And you know what. I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, feel better. Thanks for listening...or reading or whatever. But I do have good news. The kids are very anti-going to bed...it may be a good night after all.

Lessons Learned
1. When I get mad, I get REALLY, REALLY mad...I need to do a better job of emoting so that it all balances out better.
2. When I get mad, my kitchen gets REALLY, REALLY clean...maybe I shouldn't do a better job of emoting...my house would at least get clean.
3. When I get mad, my kids think it is REALLY, REALLY funny...am I doing it wrong?
4. When I get mad, it doesn't take to long before I feel REALLY, REALLY guilty...now I know I am doing it wrong.
5. When I get mad, I get REALLY, REALLY tired...which is how this whole mess started in the first place.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Random Question of the Day

Since you release methane when you fart and methane weighs more than oxygen, if you are trying to lose weight, should you take Beano a couple of hours before you weigh?

Lessons Learned

1. Really?
2. People have actually done studies on this kind of stuff...no wonder the government is in debt.
3. My mind is a frightening kind of maze with all sorts of weird turns that hold all sorts of different things.
4. I am starting to think that I am moving from good crazy to bad crazy.
5. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm....I think the question says it all.... don't you?

Sunday, December 7, 2008

An Attention Span of a Gnat

I am sure that you are automatically thinking, oh it must be her kids. Sadly no. It is me.

My husband and I went on a wonderful date last night. We decided to really do something special and we went out to the symphony to see Mozarts Requiem. It is really pretty funny that we would end up at the symphony because Felix is a major Metal Head, while I am the soundtrack and pop queen. However, although our tastes are extraordinarily different, we do share a love of classical music. Sorry Mozart, as much as we love you, Bach is our favorite.

We left several hours before we needed to be there with the intention of having a nice dinner beforehand. Unforetunately, I hadn't been up to Salt Lake for quite a while and didn't realize it had turned into Little LA. The traffic was immense and I loved how every single route around Abravanel Hall was doing construction and at some point or another narrowed down to a single lane. So after two hours stuck in traffic (and a solid half an hour behind one of the horse drawn carriages...don't go there, it isn't pretty), we finally made it to the venue and found a modern day miracle: Free Parking. We walked into Abravanel Hall exactly 18 minutes before it began.

Felix and I are not social butterflies, we spent a few minutes meandering through the crowd, and as soon as possible went to our seats. We followed the instructions sent to us by email (the one that said it would make us look like seasoned symphony goers) and studiously read the programs.

The lights dimmed, the instruments tuned up and all of the last minute people rushed in and stepped on the feet of all of the people who sat down early. Eventually everyone was settled and the conductor came on stage.

The first soft strains of music rapturously filled the air and the musical scene was set in front of us. The music was like colors filling the air. First the air was filled with swirls of pastels, followed by bright and brilliant colors. At the crescendo, the deep, rich hues permeated the air and surrounded you. It was phenomenal. The second piece included an amazing sopranoand mezzo soprano, and it too was amazing.

Next came the intermission. And being the seasoned symphony folk we are, we played games on our Blackberrys, updated Facebook profiles and sporadically threw out as many composers names as we possibly could. Uh, yeah, we wanted to look good. And our abundent knowledge of Chopin, Van Gogh, Dvorak, Picasso, Beethoven (as well as other composers and artists) made us look AWESOME.

Again the lights dimmed, setting the tone for next piece, the Requiem itself. As the soprano, mezzo soprano, tenor and bass joined the musicians on stage, we got ready for a real treat. And it was.

The first five minutes were undeniably incredible. It was in minute six I realized that I the attention span of a gnat. At one of the crescendos, I had a vision of the amazing Light Saber battle in Star Wars: Phantom Menace. The next twenty minutes or so went a little something like this:

Light Saber Battle: Wondering if John Williams was a huge fan of Mozart
Orchestra: What kind of hair product does the conductor use...his hair is really shiny and bouncy.
Light Saber Battle: Wouldn't it be cool to put the TV on mute and play the requiem while watching the light saber battle?
Orchestra: It is soooooooo cool that all of the bows of the violinists move up and down at exactly the same time...how very calming.
Home: I wonder if the kids have killed each other yet.
Light Saber Battle: I think this would be the part that Quaigon Jin is about to die(I have no idea how to spell that)
Home: It is so cool knowing my kids would really like to see this themselves.

Right around here Felix leans over and points out that part sounds kind of like Queens Bohemian Rhapsody. Which sparks another lapse of attention.

Queen: Hmmmmm, I wonder if Freddie Mercury liked Mozart.
Light Saber Battle: If you close your eyes you can see Darth Maul and Quaigon on the stage.
Home: They haven't texted in a while, maybe they really are dead.
Queen: I wonder if there are any other Queen songs that sound like Mozart. I wonder if Freddie Mercury could manage as one of the soloists, and which one?
Light Saber Battle: It looks like Freddie Mercury joined in.
Orchestra: That guy on the drums is so cool. How long does it take to become a percussionist?
Queen: Mama mia, mama mia, mama mia, let me go...................
Light Saber Battle: I really like John Williams.
Home: I wonder if the kids will be mad if we stop to get something to eat?
Orchestra: These guys are amazing singers, I wonder how they learn to sing in a foreign language.

I think you kind of get the idea. Overall it was fabulous and I had a wonderful time.

Lessons Learned

1. I really do like classical music, even if I tend to wander.
2. It was fun to have a date that wasn't movies and popcorn.
3. I am so amazed at the musical gifts of others...I wonder if they know how much joy they bring to the world?
4. I might have to try the opera next...just so I can say I've been there.
5. I don't just love my husband...I really like him too.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Would You Like A Side Of Hives With That?

Okay...this is over a week old, but that doesn't make it any less of a story worthy to be told.

A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away....Oh wait, sorry, I had my Princess Leia hair buns on and forgot which story I was telling. Let me try again.

Last Tuesday night, we were trying to find a decent dinner (which means I wasn't cooking...solved that problem), that didn't cost too much. We settled on the high side, and went for Kneaders. A good sandwich on yummy bread sounded quite tasty. We all ordered sat down and then I spent a few minutes meandering through all of the wonderful Christmas decorations that I couldn't afford.

Our food came out pretty quickly and it was a good thing, cause I was starving and so were the kids. I went for my favorite Chicken Pesto Panini, and the kids voted on Chicken Salad. YUM-O. I was making an incredible dent on my panini and Savannah inhaled half of her first half. I asked her how it was and she stopped and said, "What's in this sandwich?" I was like, ummm, chicken...it is chicken salad after all. She said my mouth feels funny...it is starting to itch. At which point she started to cry. She said her mouth was burning. Felix and I started to look at her sandwich, were we discovered a small stash of walnuts, gently surrounded by the soft blankets of mayo. So sweet. So innocent looking. But, here it comes, UH-OH.

At about the same moment we realized there were walnuts in the sandwich we both looked at Savannah and watched as her lips turned into duck bills (quick side note---if you haven't figured it out, Savannah is allergic to walnuts). Felix grabbed his jacket, grabbed her and started running to the Instacare across the street. I was about 15 feet behind them yelling about the fact that I didn't have my purse, my phone or my keys.

Unforetunately for me, and for Kneaders, he didn't hear me. So I went and got to go boxes and told the boys we were packing up. On the good side, Baylee was in California so that was one less kid I had to finagle. We packed up all of the food and just then, Caleb decided to drop his drink on the floor. As I was practicing my contortionist skills trying to get the cup off of the floor without having to actually GET ON the floor, I knocked over Felix's drink. And of course, Noah took a direct hit. I grabbed as many napkins as I thought was legal (I wouldn't want to be nabbed for obscene kleptomania of paper linens), and proceeded to clean up the mess as best I could. I went and found a cute Kneader worker who said no worries, she'll take care of it. While I had her at my disposal, I explained that I would be back to pick up my car because my daughter had an allergic reaction (Kneaders in Orem has a time limit in their parking lot...hence my goody two shoesiness in letting them know I might go over my allotted time). But Kneaders peoples are WONDERFUL, and she said no big.

So I gathered my sons, the food, the drinks and said head out. Noah, in a very Calvin Klein model walk type of thing, threw his jacket over one of his shoulders and knocked over a porcelain Christmas tree, that shattered into a million and one pieces. I counted...it was a million and one. I took the largest shard I could find up to the register, explained AGAIN that I was stranded and when I came to pick up my car I would pay for the tree. Poor Kneaders people...they just at me and said, "Just go. Really. Just go." Okay, okay. I know it sounds a little harsh, but they really just wanted me to get to Savannah. I'm sure of it.

Now I was outside with the boys, the food and the drinks and we were heading to the crosswalk in the dark. Because that was where I had imagined myself that night...in the dark, at a crosswalk with my boys and load in my arms, trying to cross the street. With a skillful balancing act I managed to get across the street, not drop anything and hopefully have the same amount of people at the far end. AND WE DID IT...YAY.

I charge into the Instacare, find out where Savannah is and like push forward like a mama bear to get to my ailing baby. I walk into the room, and her duck lips were still there. They had her hooked up to all sorts of machines and were coming in to give her a bohonkus shot. Felix looked at me and wondered why I wasn't answering my cell phone. So I went back to the part of the story where I was chasing him out of Kneaders like a psycho yelling about my lack of purse, cell phone AND keys. It was kind of like a reverse mugging. His response really summed up the stress of the moment, "Oh." That was it, just, "Oh." It was nice to know I wasn't the only one who got stressed out enough to not say anything.

We decided it was in Savannahs best interest if I got the boys out of there and let her have her daddy with her (since he was the hero who whisked her off into the darkness to save her from the painful allergy foe).

I got to have the best dejavu moment ever, trying to get back across the street. It was harder the second time. I think Caleb thought he had already done it once and could do it by himself the second time. And as the mommy, ummmm, no. You will hold on to me and you will like it.

We made and got into the car, still no purse, still on phone, but yahoo I had keys and could escape from the Kneaders time limit Aytch Eeeee Double Hockey Sticks parking lot. I took refuge at my parents house up the street waiting to hear what the next step for Savannah was. Fortunately, she had an immediate reaction to the injection and was doing wonderful. She did have to stay on mega doses of Benadryl for a few days because she ingested the walnuts and was going to keep having reactions...and that was WAY fun...I know, you all want to be me...who could blame you?

Lessons Learned
1. When it comes to children, always expect the unexpected.
2. Daddys can do just as good of a job as mommies...but mommies don't want them to know that. (It is how we STAY the center of the universe)
3. Savannah is a tough cookie.
4. I will forever be asking if there are walnuts in that.
5. Epipens are so cool looking.
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