Wednesday, September 21, 2011

I Suppose an Explanation is in Order.....

Given it's been such a rough few weeks, I suppose I should do a little bit better of a job explaining what is going on in my brain (or lack of activity therein).

To give a little background 411.  After Caleb was born, I suffered from postpartum depression.  I knew things were wrong...I didn't realize how wrong until one of my dearest friends called and said either you call the doctor, or I will call Social Services.  So to sum things up, I understand depression.  You could say that not only do I get it, but I 'get' it.

Since Caleb (and the adventurous 6 years it has been), I have had to really watch the depression.  I've had panic attacks, anxiety attacks and bouts with mild depression.  My poor husband is such a saint....

So in the build up to the 'BIG MOVE', I knew that I might have somewhat of a struggle when we got here.  I totally thought I was prepared....and I did really well....for about a month.

I kept trying to talk myself out of what I was feeling....or not feeling may be a better description.  I believe that depression is a different animal for everyone who deals with it.  For me....for this experience....I have been numb....very, very numb.

I have just been going through the motions of each and every day.  Every thing was getting least as much as it usually did (by the way...did I mention I still suck at cleaning the house?), I could laugh with the kiddos....but I wasn't FEELING the laughter.  For lack of a much, much, much better explanation.....I'm not me.  And I'm really starting to miss me.

So enough of the background crap.  For whatever reason....maybe it was Felix getting sick....maybe it was Caleb getting sick, maybe it was Savannah, Baylee and Noah getting sick....but I actually think it was me getting sick that was the straw that broke the camels back (just in case you are wondering....I'm the camel).  Couple that with the plumbing problems, school problems....and life in general....well, not a good thing.

Now all of this crap being said.  I don't love it here....not yet.  This is a very small town, with not a heck of a lot to do, go or be.  To simplify....I'm not here yet.  My body is here.  My brain is here (relatively speaking)....but my heart isn't here yet.

Fortunately, just in the nick of time, might I add, I was called into the Young Women's organization....and when I am with them, or doing things for them....I feel alive.  And for that I am SO grateful.  They are fun, and amazing and talented and gifted and funny and accepting and faithful and everything I want to be when I grow up.

I realize that this is probably an extremely lame excuse....but, it is what it is.  I am who I am...and part of my survival (emotionally, physically, spiritually), is that I do know myself....probably a little too well.  And let's just say...we all get along just fine.

So now that I have made through the dark and dreary time (which lasted longer than the usual 24 hour period I allow myself to wallow)....I'm not quite back to 100%....but I'm getting there.  Because it is time to change my focus.

There are things I like about Farmington, and now I am going to start focusing on them, rather than the things that are not here (mainly friends and family).

I am not Pollyanna.  I am not even a 'glass half full' kind of gal.  What I a tried and true person with enough experience to realize that with a little faith, a little hope and a little bit of acceptance of who is really in charge (not me)....things always (without fail) get better.

I could really, really learn something here....if I'm not too stubborn to stand in my way.

Lessons Learned
1. Acceptance is an important part of healing.
2. So is praying.
3. So is faith.
4. So is hope.
5. And most importantly, realizing that you aren't alone, that you are never, ever alone is perhaps the most important part.  And thank goodness, in spite of the fact that I have a tendency to give up on myself....Heavenly Father never does.  And it's really, really nice to know that someone will always have faith in me.