The SSSSSS-SFZ

Okay, after taking a quick look at my blog and ummmmmmmmmmmm, myself in the mirror, I realized it was time for a confessional. So this is how this is going to work. I am going to spill my guts, while you play therapist (you can even do this out loud if you want). So while you are reading, if you want to throw in a couple of "And how does that make you feel?" or even a few "Mmmmm-hmmmms" I am pretty sure that we will all be able to walk away from this feeling like something good happened.

Now for the all-so-important disclosure. I am not completely spilling my guts. Number 1, that would be gross. Number 2, I am totally, completely, and utterly tired of the yuck that seems to continually be floating around me at the moment.

So things have been extremely bleak for the last little while. And it made me feel horrible, thank you for asking (ooooohhhhh you are good at this therapist thing). I hate the place I was in. It was dark and scary and just plain wrong. I will admit that I have been there before. Thank goodness for past experiences that help us realize that something is amiss in our lives. I was able to hone in on what was going on and literally work on pulling myself out of the dungeon. By the way, I have named it the Scary, Scary, Scary, Scary, Scary, Scary Spunk Free Zone (hence the title).

While I was in the SSSSSS-SFZ, I was oblivious to everything but what affected me at that particular moment. It was very weird. I am not very good at serving others (it is on my To-Do list), and it is something that I really need to work on. However, this is probably the first time in my life I absolutely shut out and shut down anyone and anything that didn't completely agree with my world. It was weird. I was lonely and I was the reason I was lonely, but for some reason it was everyone elses fault. I'm kinda thinking that is what being a teenager is like (I was a perfect teenager so I really don't have a point of reference to draw on...Mom-I would appreciate it if you just let people think that).

Now that I have moved on from the SSSSSS-SFZ back into the SFZ, the SFZ doesn't feel all that scary. I do know that I have no intention of staying here, even if it isn't the worst place in the whole world to be. My ultimate goal is to get back to my world where there are pretty pink ponies, rainbows and chocolate that is good for you and helps you lose weight.

I love hindsight. I do NOT think that it is 20/20. I DO think that it is more like 20/15 with binoculars. There is always so much to learn from the past. And those lessons ALWAYS make the present so much more enjoyable. And sometimes, it is the simple lessons that make the biggest difference (like admitting that you need help doesn't make you weak...it makes you human).

So since I am preparing to spill my little lessons, I want to say I'm sorry (probably mostly to my family) to anyone that had to tolerate my little personality shift to the dark side and more importantly, Thank You to everyone who brought their jackhammers and forced their way through my wall of solitude and helped me start to get back up. I couldn't do it alone, and thank you for not making me.

Lessons Learned
1. It might get worse, and even if it does, it will get infinitely better.
2. While I have zero patience and zero tolerance when I am in a dark place, thank goodness I am surrounded by people who are willing to get in there and GET ME OUT.
3. It is when you feel most alone that you are supported the best.
4. Never, never again will I feel as though I can't reach out when I need to.
5. I much prefer the calm AFTER the storm, not before.