A Broken Heart Breeds......Secret Agent Mom

This past week has been particularly hard. Which is, of course, why I have chosen not to spend a lot of time blogging. I have been working extraordinarly hard to wrap my brain around, not only the past week, but the past year and quite frankly...my whole life.

Some people are money people...that means that they are struggle with issues pertaining to money. Some people are car people...cars are the ultimate struggle for them. There are many types of people out there who are struggling with things that feel as though they are beyond their own comprehension. My families struggle have dealth with health issues. Lots and lots of health issues.

So that my little tale makes more sense, how about we start with me. I had chronic cystitis as a kid (UTI's suck). I started having seizures at the age of 10. I had siblings with all sorts of allergies, asthma, UTI's and other orthopedic weirdness. I just figured the whole seizure thing was a fluke. Weird stuff happens.

As I got older, got married and began having children...the really weird stuff turned up. Savannah was 2 when she had her first hospitalization for a kidney infection. It was at this visit where the tests revealed she had reflux in her right kidney. It wasn't an unheard of thing and I knew that it was completely controllable through medication.

Then Noah showed up. He was only 6 weeks old when he first started experiencing issues with his skin. He had full blown allergies and asthma by the time he was two, and the tests revealed that he was allergic to the entire outside and about 80 percent of the inside. (An interesting tidbit, my brother was diagnosed with a chiari malformation...it's a brain thing...and had brain surgery when Noah was 3 weeks old). Noah has had to struggle with his skin for the majority of his life. He has chronic infections and in the past year has had 3 Methicillin Resistant Staph Infections (MRSA). He had surgery to remove over 30 growths that were contributing to the staph problems.

And then...there was Baylee. Baylee was hospitalized for the first time at 4 weeks old with a UTI. At 7 weeks old she was re-admitted for pneumonia, a partially collapsed lung, a staph infection in her blood and possible meningitis. We had the privilege of blessing her in the hospital because we didn't know if she would be able to come home. When she was two she was diagnosed with Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis. At four, she began to have swelling (Uveitis/Iritis) in her eyes due to her arthritis. She also developed Inflammatory Bowel Disease (Arthritis again) and migraines (most likely due to pressure on the nerves caused by arthritis).

In the past year, as a family (extended too), we have had a research hospitals dream handed to us on a silver platter. A brother with likely arthritis and/or gout, hydrocephalus and so on, a sister with gall bladder issues, among many others. My father who has had multiple health issues (diabetes, high blood pressure, etc, etc, etc) had a back surgery he was lucky to survive. My family has had the fun of dealing with my diagnosis with Fibromyalgia, Noahs MRSA, and Baylees neverending consults with specialists.

Since the beginning of the year we have dealt with Baylees Autonomic Dysfunction, Savannahs new diagnosis of a kidney deformity and debris in her bladder, and finally Baylees most recent diagnosis of probable Fibromyalgia. It has been a ride. And while our little crew was enjoying their ride, the rest of my family started seeing things appear as well.

Now that you have heard the medical history from Aytch EEEEE Double Hockey Sticks, you are probably scratching your head and wondering why I am putting this all out there.

1. Writing has become my new catharsis. It has been the channel I have used to convince myself that I am not crazy. Okay, I'm crazy...but I'm good crazy, not bad crazy. Writing has been my way of telling myself that I am still here and NOT simply a spectator of a really bizarre show.

2. I feel the need to explain my massive mood swings as of late. They have been wide and varied. Which takes me back to the first one.

3. These experiences have recently released a new part of my personality (like didn't have enough personalities already). We all know that I recently became a shut-in that resides in the SFZ (Spunk Free Zone), and we don't like me in the SFZ...at least I don't...neither does my family.

So what part of my personality came out in reason #3? The part that needed answers. My family is very unique in that we have never felt sorry for ourselves. We have taken each event in stride and run with it...it's what we do. But last week, well, last week pushed me the point of realizing that the events that occured in my family were not normal.

My mom and I finally hit upon the same point last week, that we had an unusually high occurence of uncommon illnesses. We have nurtured the possibility for years that our health issues possibly stemmed from my dad exposure to Agent Orange in Viet Nam. Last week we decided it was time to take a serious look.

I have spent the last 72 hours combing (okay, not all 72, but some of them) the internet for information regarding Agent Orange and possible genetic damage. I was stunned at what I found. Every single issue we have found within my family has been listed in studies. Even more surprising, not a single study was conducted in the United States (at least that I could find...and I'm not done yet). Quick shout out to New Zealand for their tenacious vigilance in searching for answers. I have confirmed anything that I have found with a doctor (this is my disclaimer), but man I have the hugest of hunches.

Now this is the part that will explain the title I have chosen for this blog. My heart IS broken...into a whole bunch of tiny pieces.

My heart is broken for my dad. For all of the years he has physically suffered due to his courageous and valiant service to this country. A girl couldn't ask for a better example than him. He instilled a sense of purpose in my heart, that whatever I chose to do, to do it well and with honor. He gave me a sense of civic reponsibility and personal accountibility. He helped me understand that no matter where my path may lead me, I could do no wrong as long as I walked the path with my Father in Heaven. I love my dad...and all of the wonderful parts of him.

My heart is broken for my country. I am not the kind of gal who would ever ask for a handout or something for nothing. Many people spend their time looking for others to monetarily pay for their mistakes. I truly believe that the individuals who made these decisions, made them with the thought that they were doing the very best for our soldiers given the information they had. I am sad, that as a result of their decisions, soldiers and innocent people had to suffer. At the same time, I don't blame them because their was no malice intended. And I am grateful to live here.

My heart is broken for those who think I need to be angry. It saddens me that people believe that Heavenly Father gave us trials to break us. I think we are given trials to prove to ourselves what we are made of.

My heart is broken for my children, who now have their own issues to sort out, live with and live through, possibly due to the decisions of others long, long, long before they came here.

And now that I have put the many pieces of my heart out there for the world to see, I have decided to take this opportunity and run with it. I have a new sense of purpose that has come with these trials for my family: Secret Agent Mom.

I am not an activist, nor do I have any intention of becoming one. Those who are nearest and dearest to my heart are hurting, physically and emotionally, and if nothing else comes from this, I at least want to give my children the knowledge of where it all came from. And that while these trials may make the path in this lifetime a little rocky and unsteady, these issues can truly be worn as their own personal Badges of Honor and Courage. These trials are forging their spirits, and making them stronger than they could have ever imagined.

"Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow." -Dorothy Thompson

Lessons Learned

1. Humility is a necessary part of progress....physically and spiritually.

2. Trials in their simplest form are weight lifting for the soul.

3. When you think you can't take anymore, you do.

4. When I forget that I am doing okay, Heavenly Father sends me angels, in the form of friends and family, that help me remember.

5. Acknowledgement, in the form of gratitude, strengthens the soul.