I'm a Bad, Bad Mommy

Some days, you feel like, hey, I'm doing okay here. Not so bad. No screaming, no yelling, no mayhem...at least, not right now. And then the next moment hits and there is screaming, yelling and mayhem you couldn't imagine if you tried.

We were having our big, ol' honkin' couch cleaned today. Yes, I had to pay someone to clean my couch for me. It isn't that I think I'm too good for couch cleaning, or even that I'm just lazy (which I am). Our couch was so filthy and disgusting, it was hopeless for a mere mortal to have success.

It was Sunday. As a family we were hunkering down for some quality family bonding time in front of the TV (we wouldn't want to actually TALK to one another now, would we....) We moved one cushion, and found a donut. I lay down on one cushion and when I sat up, it was stuck to my head. Had I searched any further, I am fairly certain I would have found Al Capone.

Given the intensely grotesque state of the couch, we felt it necessary to arrange for a 'professional' to come and do the dirty work for us. Besides, when guilt is saddled with a monetary figure it really goes much, much further.

The appointment was scheduled for this morning, but because this is my life and I got two phone calls, the cleaner dude came around 1 pm.

Caleb had been so good all day (pinch me, I'm dreaming). Just very low key, happy and content child, willing to lay down and watch movies or play games. YAY. It meant I didn't have to worry about him trying to get involved in the cleaning process.

After about an hour into the process, I decided it was time to go and check on Caleb. I went down to the basement and realized there were no lights on. My first thought was that he snuck out and I had no idea. Then I rounded the corner and saw him putting something into the PS3. So, me being me, and him being him, I said, "Rah." Now, in my defense you couldn't even really say that it was worthy of a scare kind of 'rah'. It really was much more of a PMS-ing cheerleader forced to go to the game or get kicked off of the squad kind of 'rah'. You know, a rah that is more like a blah.

Sadly, my boy was so deep in thought with whatever scheme he was dreaming up, that I literally nearly scared him to death. He jumped, grabbed his chest and promptly fell over stiff as a board. I ran to him waiting for him usual chuckle, but unfortunately he didn't take a breath for like 10 seconds...and yes, the LONGEST 10 seconds of my life.

He finally took that sorely needed life giving breath, and promptly began to cry, "I was just playing Little Big Planet. That's all I was doing. [Unintelligible] and you said Rah. [Unintelligible] I was just playing a game. Why did you do that to me?"

Nothing says, 'You suck' like a three year old blaming you for his heart attack. I did the best I could to soothe his wounded spirit, with carefully chosen words like, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. Mommy loves you." Once he calmed down, and had the PS3 controller nestled snugly in his stressed out little hand, I gingerly left the room, careful not to excite his heart unneccesarily.

I walked up the stairs, pondering the spectacular scene I had just witnessed. And as I shut the door, I could no longer control the laughter. I laughed until I cried. And I didn't just cry. I had tears streaming down my face. I called the one person that would laugh over something like this with, and then we laughed until she cried. By the time we were done, my sides hurt and I had no energy. Thank goodness I didn't exercise today. If I had, there would have been no energy to have that good of a laugh with.

So as I look back at the whole situation, I realize that I am a bad, bad mommy, with a WICKED sense of humor.

Lessons Learned
1. Never sneak up a child unless you are willing to accept the consequences.
2. Laugh only when they can't see you.
3. To a 3 year old, there is no such thing as, "I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing near you."
4. I think I know what it looks like when you scare someone to death.
5. Oh well...tomorrow is a new day.