Clorox, Porceline and ......

***PLEASE DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER...I AM SIMPLY WRITING THIS TO SEE IF I CAN DO JUSTICE TO THE EXPERIENCE. THE FOLLOWING IS GROSS. REALLY, REALLY GROSS. STOP READING....IF YOU DON'T STOP READING, YOU DO SO AT YOUR OWN RISK. THERE WILL BE VOMIT AND SPLASHING...I SAID STOP READING.***

With the hectic holidays behind us, Felix and I decided to treat ourselves to Ruby River. We had missed a family dinner there because of my being sick and he and I had been craving it ever since.

So we did what any warm blooded, meat-loving American would do. We pigged out. Went for the onion...YUM-O and their new Gorgonzola encrusted New York Strip, with a jacketed potato and salad. YAY! We ate until we could eat no more...then we went and got the kids Wendys...fair trade.

We enjoyed the rest of the evening, watching Buck Rogers (yes that Buck Rogers) and hanging out with the kids. I couldn't even drink water I was SO full last night. We went to bed around 10:30.

At about 11 we hear the kids and discover, much to our horror, that someone had made red punch and they were all drinking it in the basement. Much to our surprise (NOT)...someone spilled. All I gotta say at this point is YAY Ambien. I had already taken my Ambien, taken off my boot and was not allowed out of bed. Felix got to clean it...sorry honey...but YAY me! He made his way back to bed at about 11:30.

At about 11:55 I watched my stomach unnaturally rise. Kind of like a DiGornio pizza, but in a really, really, really bad way. The distressing sight undercut the thought that hit at midnight. I realized trouble was coming. With a capital T.

So rather than wait...I made my way to the throne room. You know there really is a perk to having the toilet cordoned off in its own room, first and foremost...you can call it the throne room...that alone makes it worth it.

I have learned from morning sickness past (which is totally not what this is...I am a UFZ thank you very much), that I cannot puke into a toilet until I clean it. So while the contents of my stomach made their arduous trek up the realm from which they came, I took the time to clean my toilet. (It doesn't matter if it was already cleaned that day...it has to be done again). Made sure to dispose of all garbage and then tried to figure out how to cradle the bowl.

With my foot, I was pretty sure I couldn't get down, let alone get up after I had completed the process. So I hovered. And mental note for next time....NOOOOOOOO. Hovering is bad...the splash zone increases exponentially.

As I hovered, I waited for the tell-tale lump in my throat to tell me that the time had come. And although I had been waiting, the warning was sudden and abrupt. So it began.....

Like many times before the first episode was small and very unsatisfying. Thank goodness the lump in my throat was still there to remind me the party was far from over. The lump that tells you, it has only begun my dear...hang on for the ride.

Episodes 2, 3 and 4 were fast and furious, leaving little time in between for anything but a quick breath of air. Fortunately my body was able to take a quick break before the next round. I needed a moment to regroup and clean off the splash-factor that acted as face seeking missiles after every purge. I was prepared for rounds 5, 6, 7 and beyond. I had a roll of toilet paper in my hand and would clean after every dismissal to save myself the trouble when I was finished.

I was so grateful when the dry heaving began....That was my sign the end was near...not like in a Mayan calendar, the earth is ending kind of way...but that the puke fest was nearly over kind of way.

The heaving slowly came to an end, taking it's time as my gag reflex reset. My eyes were wet with the pressure of my eyeballs trying to hurl through my eyelids and my cheeks flushed with exertion of expelling the notion of "Too much is too much". My body was drained, my mind empty (nothing new, but it sounded good) and my stomach, quiet.

Now that the world had stopped turning inside of my stomach, I went for a little deja vu and cleaned the toilet again.

Lessons Learned

1. Hovering and vomit....not a good pair.

2. There is an order of operations: 1) clean 2) vomit 3) clean. Somewhat repetitive, but easy to remember.

3. Does anyone know how much force is exerted when vomiting? That might make for an AWESOME science fair project.

4. Feeling a little queasy...maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

5. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.