MORE Than Yesterday

Yesterday....hmmmm....I feel a little bit bad about my post yesterday.  I was in a pretty deep, dark funk....not that things are super bright and SHINY this morning, but laying awake all night has brought me a little bit of perspective.

Okay, I didn't just lay awake all night....I cried, I prayed...and I realized.  I realized how I was going about this all wrong.  I've never had to bear this burden alone....none of us ever do.  How grateful I am for a loving Father in Heaven who can teach gently, and soothe the spirit of a worried mommy.

Last night we had a combined activity with the Young Men and Young Women.  Human chess.  I suck at regular chess...there was NO way I was going to get into human chess.  In hindsight, I wouldn't have had as much to think about last night if I had been involved with human chess.

I had one friend who told me about how much she got done when her husband was out of town...because they were so in love they just followed each other around when he WAS in town.  AWESOME!  I feel like that about Felix, but I don't act on it.  I need to show my husband more how awesome I think he is.  She gave me a wonderful sense of resolve to make sure my husband and my kiddos know how special they are and too not get caught up in the hype of life.

Then as I was leaving, I had a friend in her car (who always puts the best jokes on FB) that I had to thank for being SO fun and funny.  She told me she posted those jokes for a friend who is losing her courageous battle with brain cancer.  I was in awe of her before, but now....I gained a little bit of insight into what it meant to be walking as Christ walked and loving as He loved.  It may sound like a simple thing....and it is, but what a perfect example of how to just love someone.  I can't describe how my Spirit was touched by this little conversation.

Once I got home I had a few messages with words of encouragement and support...and as grateful as I was....I felt a little bit selfish.  There are sooooo many people with so much more on their plates than me.

THEN, I remembered a comment that someone (who I don't even know) made a comment on another friends post.  My friend posted "Pray as if everything depended on the Lord, but work as if everything depended on you".  The comment said, "My trick was to remember I am a Child of God and entitled to everything he has."  How did I gloss over that one so easily?

As I lay in bed thinking about that (and intermittently about how did I forget how bad yoga hurts after not doing it for a while), I realized how much truth there was in that.  It's not like I ever doubted, I just didn't give the comment the credit it truly deserved.

We are here to learn to work, play, love, live, learn, laugh, cry, and experience joy, sorrow, anger and ultimately happiness.  When Christ walked the earth, it wasn't peaceful, all of the time.  He had joy when the children gathered around Him, He had sorrow for those who hurt Him.  He had happiness at those who learned at His knee, and anger for those who blasphemed sacred temple grounds with dishonesty.  Hmmmmmm.....

Kind of like me.  I think I have had every single one of those emotions in the past week, month, year...etc.  Then I thought about the Garden of Gethsemane...and realized He had every single one of my emotions, my pain, my sorrow and my suffering, simple because He loved me enough to do so, and He didn't want me to ever be alone.  And if I make the right choices, and remember who is really in charge, I can achieve that perfect happiness that has seemed so elusive this week.

So it was a long night....in an incredibly good way.  My trials are still there this morning, but this morning I have greater understanding.  My priorities are back in place, and I don't think I'm the worst mom in the world (YAY!).

I'm doing everything I can, but this morning my "can" has a little bit more capacity.  I'm so grateful for these gentle reminders of love, compassion and understanding.

I'm a little more humble than yesterday because of the amazing people who surround me and love me and teach me.

Lessons Learned
1-5....Please see above.

HUMBLE MUCH?

No.

Obviously.

If I were truly humble, I wouldn't STILL be in learning mode.

As you can tell by my lack of posting, and the general bad mood of when I post, I'm still learning.  There is a part of me that is seriously laughing on the inside because I thought after the incredible pace we had to keep in order to get moved, I totally thought everything would slow down once we got here.  Guess what, I was wrong.  Please don't tell my husband, he doesn't know I have the ability to be wrong.

Felix is still travelling a ton, which is a bummer, mostly because I miss him, but also because moving was supposed to prevent that.  Sigh....this week without him has been particularly hard.....

But, alas....the adventure never ends.  On his way to the airport this week, he was rear ended on the freeway.  The Honda Accord he was driving....WOW!  Held up AMAZINGLY!  The Dodge Charger that hit him.....not so much.  Guess we'll be taking that one off of our potential purchase list.

But ya gotta love my husband....when I asked him if he was coming home, you know since he was in a CAR ACCIDENT.....he was like, "Nah, I'm closer to the airport than I am to home, so I guess I'll go."  I'm stubborn, but not that stubborn.  I'm just sayin'.

Now I believe I previously mentioned that Caleb has been having a rough time with school.  Yeah.  He has been throwing up every morning before school.  Yup, it's that bad for him.  This morning....it was chocolate pudding....but that's another story.  I got really, really, really freaked out, and had multiple talks with him before he admitted he was having a bully problem.  It makes me so sad.  He's 6.

So I called the district, who didn't call me back.  Talked to teachers who said everything was fine.  And finally, talked to the principle of the Lutheran private school.  The school comes very highly recommended, and although it will be yet another adventure within our adventure....I am most hopeful about what they can offer.  We meet with them on Friday.

I continue working through things.  I am happy to report that my focus is no longer on me (that was really selfish of me....and I didn't like that), and now rests squarely on the shoulders of my babies.

Lessons Learned
1. I'm grateful for old friends and new, who have had the incredible patience to put up with my crazy.
2. I'm grateful for spiritual inspiration, because when I'm out of steam...I'm still prompted to go in the right direction.
3. Grateful that I am learning to be crafty, it keeps my hands busy so I'm not eating during my stress...(THANKS RACHAEL)!
4. Grateful that my kids are learning to be there for one another.  Although they have taken being BEST FRENEMIES to a WHOLE, NEW LEVEL!
5. Grateful that I can ramble when I write, so I'm not carrying the burden alone.

DEFEND YER NUTS!

Well....it's fall in Missouri.  And as you can tell by the distance between my posts, keeping up on the blog has been a smidge of an impossibility.  So thanks ANDREA for the reminder that I need to stay connected with everyone and not get lost in my new little world!

So, since my story telling abilities are currently on hiatus, I thought I would share some of our adventures in "short" form.

**We live in a rural community.  There are lots and lots of critters running around ALL OF THE time.  So it isn't like we never see squirrels.  But with winter rapidly approaching, there have been more squirrels out a hunting and gathering than usual.  So we are on our way home from school and one of our neighborhood squirrels are sitting at the base of one of our trees.  As we drive up, Baylee yells, "Look! A squirrel!"  Noah yells, "Defend yer nuts!" and Caleb yells, "Think about the children!".  Yeah, I don't know either!

**I think I may have mentioned we live in a rural community.  We have a "lake" (more like a pond) in our backyard and the neighborhood has geese.  Geese are scary.  The kids were at school and I was getting ready to go and get the kids, which meant it was time to take the dog out.  So, without paying attention, I open the front door, the dogs goes racing out into about a dozen geese in the front yard.  The geese honk at the sight of the fuzzy, black poodle.....which completely freaks out the dog who starts barking and running away....which completely freaks out the geese who start honking, flying and scattering....which completely freaks me out because I'm afraid they are going to eat my dog.  So I start running and screaming and trying to save the dog from.....nothing, because the geese are all gone.  Welcome to my world.

**We went to the zoo.  They have a big donkey exhibit.  They don't call them donkeys in St. Louis.

**Caleb has really struggled with being in the first grade.  And I mean struggled.  There has been a lot of weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth.  We have attempted many different ways to get him motivated and hopefully get him over his highly emotional state of being.  We have considered switching schools or even putting him in a private Lutheran school.  But after a sit down with me and his dad, we finally got to the root of the problem, and switching school won't fix it.  Why?  Why is going to school so hard???  "Because we have to do school work."  --cue crying.

So you can see....never a dull moment...and there have actually been a kabillion-jillion thing, funny, sad, exciting, etc., but being able to take a minute to keep track of them all, has not been as easy of a task as I thought.

So thanks friends, for not giving up on me!  I'll try and do a better job of keeping YA'LL posted on our adventures!

Lessons Learned
1. Life is funny.  It is.
2. I'm still a mess....but I'm starting to pull it all together.
3. I'm glad the adventure never ends...it would be boring.
4. Sometimes, you just have to sit back and enjoy the ride....
5. If I'm going to be on the adventure of a lifetime, I'm glad it's with my funny little peeps.

I Suppose an Explanation is in Order.....

Given it's been such a rough few weeks, I suppose I should do a little bit better of a job explaining what is going on in my brain (or lack of activity therein).

To give a little background 411.  After Caleb was born, I suffered from postpartum depression.  I knew things were wrong...I didn't realize how wrong until one of my dearest friends called and said either you call the doctor, or I will call Social Services.  So to sum things up, I understand depression.  You could say that not only do I get it, but I 'get' it.

Since Caleb (and the adventurous 6 years it has been), I have had to really watch the depression.  I've had panic attacks, anxiety attacks and bouts with mild depression.  My poor husband is such a saint....

So in the build up to the 'BIG MOVE', I knew that I might have somewhat of a struggle when we got here.  I totally thought I was prepared....and I did really well....for about a month.

I kept trying to talk myself out of what I was feeling....or not feeling may be a better description.  I believe that depression is a different animal for everyone who deals with it.  For me....for this experience....I have been numb....very, very numb.

I have just been going through the motions of each and every day.  Every thing was getting done...at least as much as it usually did (by the way...did I mention I still suck at cleaning the house?), I could laugh with the kiddos....but I wasn't FEELING the laughter.  For lack of a much, much, much better explanation.....I'm not me.  And I'm really starting to miss me.

So enough of the background crap.  For whatever reason....maybe it was Felix getting sick....maybe it was Caleb getting sick, maybe it was Savannah, Baylee and Noah getting sick....but I actually think it was me getting sick that was the straw that broke the camels back (just in case you are wondering....I'm the camel).  Couple that with the plumbing problems, school problems....and life in general....well, not a good thing.

Now all of this crap being said.  I don't love it here....not yet.  This is a very small town, with not a heck of a lot to do, go or be.  To simplify....I'm not here yet.  My body is here.  My brain is here (relatively speaking)....but my heart isn't here yet.

Fortunately, just in the nick of time, might I add, I was called into the Young Women's organization....and when I am with them, or doing things for them....I feel alive.  And for that I am SO grateful.  They are fun, and amazing and talented and gifted and funny and accepting and faithful and everything I want to be when I grow up.

I realize that this is probably an extremely lame excuse....but, it is what it is.  I am who I am...and part of my survival (emotionally, physically, spiritually), is that I do know myself....probably a little too well.  And let's just say...we all get along just fine.

So now that I have made through the dark and dreary time (which lasted longer than the usual 24 hour period I allow myself to wallow)....I'm not quite back to 100%....but I'm getting there.  Because it is time to change my focus.

There are things I like about Farmington, and now I am going to start focusing on them, rather than the things that are not here (mainly friends and family).

I am not Pollyanna.  I am not even a 'glass half full' kind of gal.  What I am....is a tried and true person with enough experience to realize that with a little faith, a little hope and a little bit of acceptance of who is really in charge (not me)....things always (without fail)....do get better.

I could really, really learn something here....if I'm not too stubborn to stand in my way.

Lessons Learned
1. Acceptance is an important part of healing.
2. So is praying.
3. So is faith.
4. So is hope.
5. And most importantly, realizing that you aren't alone, that you are never, ever alone is perhaps the most important part.  And thank goodness, in spite of the fact that I have a tendency to give up on myself....Heavenly Father never does.  And it's really, really nice to know that someone will always have faith in me.

I CAN Be Happy...If I Want To

So now that I have introduced us all, I should probably give a little something that resembles a talk.

It has been a difficult week, for many reasons.  Felix still has to travel and there were some hiccups related to school, and we are still trying to unpack.  It was one of those weeks where everything was against me.

As I ventured through all of the crazy this week, my mind kept focusing on happiness.  My happiness.  My kids happiness.  My family’s happiness.  And for whatever reason, I kept thinking about President Monson.

So I turned went to lds.org and searched for happiness and President Monson.  I found an article written by President Monson called Happiness-the Universal Quest.  It summed up perfectly all of the things going through my mind.

Our family has been given some unique challenges.  But everyone has challenges.  Each challenge is as unique as each individual. 

Challenges were not sent to us as curses from a cruel and unfeeling God.  Quite the opposite…challenges were given to us as opportunities.  While our challenges are different, our goal is the same.

Joseph Smith once said, “Happiness is the object and design of our existence; and will be the end thereof, if we pursue the path that leads to it; and this path is virtue, uprightness, faithfulness, holiness, and keep all of the commandments of God.”

Being LDS is a verb.  It requires action.  So are faith, testimony and happiness.  I love that we are not a passive people.  I also love agency, and the opportunity agency gives us to choose.  We can choose to be happy, in spite of our challenges and the difficulties we face in life.

We can’t hide from trials.  They are a part of life.  We can’t hide from temptation or things that are not virtuous, not lovely or not of good report.

What we can do is choose right from wrong.  We can choose good over evil.  Famed philosopher, Socrates, asked, “How is it that men know what is good, but do what is bad?”  It’s a great question.  But by choosing right over wrong, we become spiritually strengthened and are able to overcome anything that is placed in our path.

As President Monson said, “It must not be expected that the road of life spreads itself in an unobstructed view before the person….he must anticipate coming upon forks and turnings in the road…he cannot hope to reach his desired journey’s end if he thinks aimlessly about whether to go east or west.” 

The path will have twists and turns, but focusing on the end goal, will help us make it through the dark and difficult times.  Even Apostle Paul counseled in 1 Corinthians 9:24, “So run, that ye may obtain.”

A perfect is example is a story about Joe.   

Joe had been asked to get up at 6:00 in the morning and drive a crippled child 50 miles to the hospital. He didn’t want to do it, but he didn’t know how to say no.

A woman carried the child out to the car and set him next to the driver’s seat, mumbling thanks through her tears. Joe said everything would be all right and drove off quickly.

After a mile or so, the child inquired shyly, “You’re God, aren’t you?”

“I’m afraid not, little fellow,” replied Joe.

“I thought you must be God,” said the child. “I heard Mother praying next to my bed and asking God to help me get to the hospital so I could get well and play with the other boys. Do you work for God?”

“Sometimes, I guess,” said Joe, “but not regularly. I think I’m going to work for him a lot more from now on.”

We each have the ability and opportunity to work.  While the trials of this life are great, the blessings are greater.  2 Nephi 2:3 says, 

“Wherefore, thy soul shall be blessed…thy days shall be spent in the service of thy God. Wherefore, I know that thou art redeemed, because of the righteousness of thy Redeemer…”

I have a saying up where I can see it every day, it reads,

Life is an opportunity…benefit from it.

Life is a game…play it.

Life is a dream…realize it.

Life is a challenge…meet it.

Life is a duty…complete it.

Life is beauty…admire it.

Life is a promise…fulfill it.

Life is sorrow…overcome it.

Life is a song…sing it.

Life is a struggle…accept it.

Life is a tragedy…confront it. 

Life is luck…wish it.

Life is an adventure…dare it.

Life is life…live it.

Again from 2 Nephi 2 “…men are that they might have joy.”

I challenge you each.  Be active.  Choose happiness.  Have joy.  


Lessons Learned
1. Sometimes the prophets really are speaking directly to you.
2. Heavenly Father REALLY does me better than I do.
3. I'm my own worst enemy (I learn this one A LOT!)
4. My trials are light if I let Heavenly Father share the burden.
5. I don't have to MAKE myself miserable.

BEATDOWN BUS

Wednesday.  It really just kind of sucked all the way around.  I can't even be nice about it yet, and it has been days.

Wednesday started out kind of rough.  I had to hurry and get kids out of the door because Baylee had her first appointment with her new rheumatologist at the childrens hospital in Saint Louis. And since it is about an hour and a half away, and we had to find the office...we had to leave kind of early.

So we went, we got there...still had to drive through some scary parts of town, but this trip I realized we get to drive past Anheuser Busch's beer college.  Yes, boys and girls, the beer college.  Don't be jealous.

We found it and to keep this much shorter than it otherwise would be....here is the summary.

--We were there for two hours, meeting with various people in the office.
--They did an amazing history and workup.
--Her left ankle is 'thickening', which means the muscles are starting to, well, thicken.  And more or less stop acting like muscles...which means her ankle has not so much time left.  She is losing flexibility, which will eventually cost her mobility.
--She gets her first treatment on September 1st.  But here it is in the oncology clinic.  So we get to hang out with all of the sweet babies getting actual chemo.  We are both nervous about it, but are looking forward to making the best of a difficult situation.
--The new doctor says that many of Baylee's issues don't add up and that he plans on spending time on her file to see if we can't get to the bottom of things!  YAY!

So we made the drive home.  Ate in the car...yuck, I hate eating while driving.  And I got Baylee to school before lunch was over and she at least got part of the day in.

I got home, got work done, cleaned the house and got ready for them to come home.  But no amount of preparing would have been enough.

The kids came in screaming...and crying...and Caleb wasn't talking.  So like the previous section--here is the summary.

--Caleb and his seatmate on the bus, starting playing "Scrub Nubs"...think "Noogies".
--Out of the blue, his seatmate said, "Secret attack!."  Put him in a head lock and started hitting his head against the bus window.  The bus was in motion, so the driver couldn't do anything.
--Sixth graders moved over and started encouraging the fight.
--Caleb got a few good face hits in.
--Savannah got out of her seat and broke up the fight.  She got in trouble for getting out of her seat.
--Shortly after that they were home.

So....they were all upset and didn't want to ride the bus anymore.  Yeah?  Me too!!!

I called the district transportation director, who had already heard about it and she was awesome...but I pulled the kids off of the bus anyway.

I managed to not cry until I went to bed that night.  The kids were already upset enough as it was.

Lessons Learned
1.  Like any mother, I can't be every where, every moment.  It still doesn't take the hurt of not being able to protect my babies away.
2.  Grateful my kids stood up for each other.
3.  That I am hoping more than I thought I was that the reason I am here will be made clear.
4.  As much as I am against my kids hitting....so grateful Caleb did.
5.  Finding Bully Beatdown on MTV is not helping my anger issues right now.

Just Take My Money....PLEASE?????

So we've been here for three weeks, I figured I could try and get the cars registered and get my license.  I kind of have to get the Durango registered because the tags expire this month.

I had called a friend from the ward to find out where....thank goodness it was in town so I didn't have to drive FOREVER to get there.

I grabbed all of our car stuff and headed down to the office.  I am such a newbie in town, I have to use the GPS to even get to the other side of town.  But it is a big stretch from one side to the other, I'm just sayin'.

I got to the office, pulled out all of original loan documents, several years of registration and found out none of it mattered.

I had to get loan information, past and present (because we refinanced), special tax waivers, blah, blah, blah.  I also have to have an I.D.O.D.  What's that?  VIN check and Odometer reading.  Seriously?

So I start running around town, getting everything I needed (including an hour at the state inspection station) and head home for the other paperwork.  I also have to call our previous lienholder.

For whatever reason, even though I had all of the information, I wasn't in the system.  I finally get through to a real person, tell them what I need just to have them tell me they can't give it to me.

So I have to call the bank back and they have to call and get the information.  It will be here in 48-72 hours.  Phew...I have a new best friend at the bank.

Then I find out I need to have a birth certificate to get my drivers license.  Since when?  Do you have any idea how long it has been since I've had to even get a new license?  And back when I moved to Utah from California, they didn't require birth certificates.

So I download the paperwork for San Bernardino (after finding out my mom never had my birth certificate because I'm so old, it was never required FOR ANYTHING), fill it all out and bother my best friend at the bank AGAIN!

She notarizes my paperwork, and off to the post office I go.  Not very encouraging to see all of the mail bins in the back of the building....I hope my papers make it.

So then I remember I have to fill prescriptions because we finally got our new insurance cards!  YAY.

Until I went to transfer all of our prescriptions (and yes, there are a ton) and of everything I had to get...guess what wasn't covered....my Ambien.

That will just be bad for everyone.  I'm just sayin'.

Lessons Learned
1. I am an even bigger fan of Not Moving after today.
2. I don't want to play anymore.
3. Paperwork sucks.
4. Have you met me on no sleep....it's not pretty....and the events of the day, plus no Ambien is just an accident waiting to happen.
5. Yuck, yuck, yuck.