Tuesday, September 11, 2012


This has needed to be written down for a few weeks.  However....if you are one of my friends that drinks, you may not find it so funny.  But for us non-drinkers....it was freaking hysterical!

My kids started school on August 15...a Wednesday.  By Friday, I already had one kid staying home puking their guts out.  Sigh.  So Felix stayed home (wait....he works at home....when he is home....) and helped me get some schtuff done.  For some reason, I cannot seem to catch up on life.

We picked the other three up at school and came home.

When we got to our house, there was a lady sitting on the side of the road holding on to her 2 dogs (they were absolutely adorable!).  So since the lot across from us, and the lots on either side of us are empty, and it is unusual for someone to just be sitting on the side of the road, I asked Felix to check on her and make sure she was okay.

He went and introduced himself and asked if she was ok....and of course, Savannah had to go and help.  They talked to her for a few minutes and I got tired of waiting, so I went over to see what was going on.

"Well," she says, "I never should have tried to walk both dogs at the same time."  She looked a little wobbly, but was talking just fine....so we kind of just chatted for a moment, asked her if she needed help and she said no.

So the three of us went in to the house....okay, the garage.  We were talking about how weird that was, when we heard the dogs leashes dragging along the ground and they came tearing into our garage.  Then they went over and peed in the yard.

The woman came up and said, "Sorry, shorry, I'm sho shorry."  We told her it was no big deal, we have a dog, I'm sure they smell her and they are just marking.  Dogs pee in the grass....hey!  Whaddya gonna do????

She continued to apologize...then promptly fell flat on her face in my driveway.  And I don't mean, she tried to not fall or even catch herself...she fell flat on her face.

I hurried over and helped her up, while Felix tried to catch the dogs.  When we got her up she had cut her face in two places.  So we sent Baylee to get tissues.

At this point she was slurring her speech so badly, we couldn't understand her.  So I told one of the kids to call 911...then told them wait, because she shook it off a little bit.

We asked her where she lived....and lo, and behold....she lived right across the street.  Awesome....we've lived here one year, and the first person to talk to us is the intoxicated lady.

As we start walking toward her house, she promptly falls flat on her face again....thank goodness this time it was in the yard.  Phew.  I helped her up and we started to cross the street.

And down she goes again.  This time she didn't just fall....she managed to skkkiiiiiiiidddddd.  All down one side of her face and her knees.  Whatever she drank or ingested, seriously rendered her arms useless.  I'm just sayin'.

So I help her up....try and wipe up some of the blood, and keep going.  She fell in her driveway too.....but I caught her....and I would just like to say....that was no easy task.

We made it up her driveway and rounded the corner of her sidewalk towards her front door, where she fell into the bushes.  And I mean into.  I had to pull her out from between two bushes....it was more like an extraction....I'm pretty sure the bushes were trying to eat her ('Feed me Seymour').

We made it to the front porch!  YAY!!!!  And then she fell into the bushes on the side of her porch.  She did manage to rebound off of the bushes this time (instead of plunging straight through them).  Unfortunately....she rebounded on to the column on her porch....with the other side of her face.

So as she is bleeding all over her porch, we are trying to find out if anyone is home or if we can call someone to come and be with her....and she keeps saying, "ohhhhhh, he's in there.  he just wont answer" and we heard that slurred little mantra over and over again.

We finally offer to walk her to the door through her garage (which we just realized was open).  The dogs go in and she shuts the door and offers to walk us home....ummmmmmm, no thanks.  The she starts crying and telling us about how she is having a bad day.....and then she starts telling us about how awesome we are and that we love her dogs ("Do you want to walk my dogs....because you love my dogs.".

We tell her to go and lay down and we will check on her in a little while.

We get all of the way home, when I realize I am still holding on to her cell phone.  Aw crap.  So because I don't want her walking around, I just leave it on the porch and bolt home.

Then we decide to call the police....because she's alone....we think....and if nothing else....she was pretty beat up and probably needed some medical attention.

So as I am calling the non-emergency number and talking to the dispatcher, her husband pulls up in the driveway.  I told dispatch and we called it good.

So what did we learn from this little experience????

Lessons Learned
1.  When we went in, we gathered the children and said, "This is why you don't drink."
2.  It's good to have an ex-policeman father....we are pretty sure we are covered under the good Samaritan laws.
3.  The lady hasn't spoken to us since.  Either she doesn't remember us or we are only fun when SHE is drinking.
4.  If I ever feel lonely, and need to be needed....I'm totally going to a bar.
5.  It actually is really sad....and she finally came out of her house....so we think she is all better now.

No comments: