Nothin' Says Swearin' Like Me in a Car

I've spent quite a bit of time on the freeway the past several weeks and I thought I would share some insight as to what I've learned.

Before I begin I would just like to issue a disclaimer about:

1. I am a competent driver. Did I say good...no. Did I say bad...no. Competent. And don't call my dad. Period.

2. When I get really stressed my brain misfires and says all sorts of things it shouldn't. Don't worry this is a family blog and I'll keep it clean for the kids.

Ten Things I've Noticed While on the Freeway
1. Just because you are an idiot, doesn't mean you have to share it with the rest of us while you are in control of a potential killing machine. I don't care if you are an idiot and I don't want to know.

2. I have two middle fingers too, but that doesn't mean I need to show them to you. And even though you were sharing them with someone else, I didn't need to see them. Really...it just makes me refer to observation number 1...and yes you are an idiot. Keep your hands on the wheel.

3. Merge means-take turns and keep traffic flowing...NOT speed up in order to cut someone off and utilize observation number two which makes me think of observation number 1. You still look like an idiot.

4. You know those signs that talk about the double white line and not crossing them to get into the carpool lane. Yeah, those are there for a reason...and carrying a mannequin or cadaver does NOT qualify you for the carpool lane...I'm pretty sure you have to be breathing. And the dude from yesterday, that was going 2 miles under the speed limit to avoid getting noticed in the carpool lane...the picture of your girlfriend and/or wife doesn't qualify you either. That made ME want to utilize observation number 2 just because you ARE observation number 1.

5. When stuck in bumper to bumper, stand still, I should get out and walk traffic, please turn your radio down or roll your windows up. I understand that you spent a lot of money on those speakers that you only use during your commute...but making me listen to music I hate only reinforces observation number 1.

6. Do you remember when we were in grade school, okay kindergarten and we were learning how to do a dot-to-dot puzzle? The big orange barrels are the same. They form a line...not an obstacle course. Weaving when not drunk just scares the )**(^(**& out of competent drivers and points out that you are observation number 1.

7. Big trucks need to understand and re-affirm their own car body image. No one likes to be the fat friend...but when you are...and you are pushing me...that is rude...it is dangerous...and you stop being a friend and instead become a politically correct above average size vehicle endangering the lives of others. Look in a mirror...your freakin' truck should have plenty. You observation number 1.

8. Preparation is always a good thing. You know for like natural disasters, reports, vacations and getting on the off-ramp. Careening across all of the lanes because you were either (a) not paying attention (b) were paying attention but like to make a game out of driving on a congested highway or (c) are observation number 1 is stupid. Do you hear me? It is STUPID, unnecessary and dangerous. I kind of like breathing, I wanna keep doing it.

9. I have passed 2 upside down vehicles in less than 2 weeks. Those black rubber things on the bottom of your car are called tires, they go round and round. The top of your car is not conducive to moving from point a to point b. If you can avoid observations 1 through 9 you have a good chance of staying on your tires and getting where you need to go.

10. Finally...I am just as fond as the next guy, of hanging your hand out the window and 'going with the flow'. Keep your arm close to your car...think roller coaster keep arms inside the vehicle at all times. The guy that was trying to touch all of the cars that drove next to him...yeah...you are gonna miss your arm when it's gone.

Lessons Learned
1. I hate driving.
2. I hate driving on the freeway.
3. I drive way too much.
4. I should concentrate on my own driving and less on others and maybe I will move from competent to good.
5. Please don't call my dad and ask about my driving....please.