"Lucy, You Got Some 'Splainin' to Do."

Okay, that only works if you are using your very best Ricky Ricardo accent.

I fear as of late that my post(s) have been a little serious. Well guess what? This on is too. So, sorry 'bout yer bad luck.

I am very frustrated at the intolerant climate in our country. Has it always been like this? Or am I really as dumb as my kids think?

Alright, I am not one for watching pageants. And no, I didn't watch the one that was just on Sunday. That would be the Miss USA pageant.

I've got a couple of questions.

1. Who picks the judges? I mean, really? A celebrity stalker (that would be Perez Hilton). A model who holds a briefcase on a game show (yes, a briefcase holder from Deal or No Deal). And 10 other people smart enough to keep their mouths shut.

2. If there isn't supposed to be any political issues within the pageant (or scholarship program according to Miss Congeniality), who authorizes political questions for the question and answer session. Whatever happened to all the questions that had World Peace as the answer?

3. When did political correctness equal a left leaning political belief system? You apparently cannot be politically correct and a conservative republican at the same time. Who knew? I didn't at least until this week.

See, I'm spouting again. I guess I just need to get all of this out of my system. So you can either stop reading now and walk away and no one is the wiser. Or you can keep reading, and then lie about having read it. Or you can keep reading and post a comment about my vast right wing conspiracy. Or you can keep reading not post a comment but at least believe I gave you something to think about.

So here are my thoughts. Just to clarify, my thoughts are few and far between and I really do need to make a big deal of it when it does happen. But here goes....

1. Don't be an 'impartial' judge if you can't be impartial. DUH.

2. You have no business referring to someone as a dumb because they have a differing opinion from yours. Let me expound: the constitution does guarantee your right to free speech, just as it does her. The nasty and unnecessary comments only make you look like a bigoted fool. See...even I have the right to free speech.

3. Since the scoring on the question/answer thing is supposed to be based on the contestants ability to give a clear, well thought out answer...how do you give her a 0 for answering? I guess someone didn't pay attention in the scholarship program training course....hmmmm. Guess you'll be heading to summer school for inept pageant judges.

4. While I appreciate that Hollywood individuals feel as though they have a right to be heard because they have the money to make sure their opinions are the loudest, ummmmm...why were you complaining about money in the Proposition 8? Me thinks there is a hefty double standard happenin' here.

5. Let's play a little role reversal. So let's say it was a gay contestant and straight judge. The question was exactly the same. The answer was the exact opposite of what was said at the actual pageant. The straight judge gives the gay contestant a zero. The uproar in Hollywood and homosexual circles would have been millions of times louder than what we have seen in this case. And yet...you think Conservative Christians are wrong? If you want tolerance and equality, perhaps you should practice what you preach.

Okay. I think I feel better. Maybe, maybe not. But to me, I feel like I am seeing the same thing over and over again. People can cry 'Equality' all they want. But if you sit back and look at what is really happening, 'Equality' is not what is really desired...superiority and domination are.

Lessons Learned
1. I have been emotionally charged about this country lately...maybe it's hormones...or maybe it's intolerance.
2. I think I really understand the 'Mother Bear Syndrome'. It is so important for me to protect my babies futures. But hand in hand is my desire to teach them to use their voices.
3. When my husband reads this he is going to be positive that I have gone off the deep end (thank goodness I am a good swimmer).
4. Why can't people be nice to one another?
5. If anyone has any insight, I would LOVE to hear it...because I am confused.

T.E.A. Party Heaven or T.E.A. Party Hell

I have never before (until this year) been a political activist. I don’t’ even know if I am one now. What I do know, is that I don’t like what is going on in this country. My opinions are just that, opinions. But they are mine, and I have every right to state them.

I am sure that the content of this letter is going to offend many. If I offend you, I am sorry. I am sorry that people cannot have a difference of opinion without causing a riot. I am sorry that individuals are now considered 'radical right wing extremists' for being anti-abortion, owning a gun and/or wanting to protect the sanctity of marriage. I am sorry that our country has made it to a place (in less than one hundred days of a new government administration) where people are vocalizing the possibility of secession.

I really, really, really wanted Barack Obama to succeed. He inherited a mess. However, he inherited a mess that I believed in. I believe that protecting our freedoms and nation are of the utmost importance. Freedom ISN'T free, and people have forgotten the sacrifices made by our founding fathers for this nation. They paid a hefty price, a price that people now dismiss as trivial.

Never the less, I wanted him to be successful. Unfortunately, I cannot turn a blind eye to some of the ideas being perpetuated throughout this nation through the completely biased media (left and right alike). I am afraid of the things that are currently happening, and I refuse to lay down and let it all happen around me.

Things That I Believe Desperately Need to Be Fixed

1. Stop bailing out companies that have shown ZERO fiscal responsibility with their own money. Now they are showing ZERO fiscal responsibility with ours.

BAIL OUT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE AND LET THEIR SPENDING DECIDE
WHO STAYS AND WHO GOES.
LET CAPITALISM DECIDE, NOT SOCIALISM

2. Personally, I think we need to enforce the laws already on the books regarding illegal aliens. Deportation works for me. However, my backup plan states make 'em all legal, give 'em all social security numbers and let them pay taxes...no social, no services. NO MORE SUBSIDIZING ILLEGAL ALIENS. You don't have a green card, go home to get the services from the nation you are a citizen of. In short, if you aren’t putting anything in, then you can’t take anything out.

3. Dump the tax code. Up to $20,000 is tax free. From $20,001 up, you pay 10% flat across the board. No more deductions, no more write-offs, no more code to manipulate. FLAT TAX all the way.

4. Get a new Legislative Branch of Government. It's time to kick 'em all to the curb, institute term limits and get fresh blood from MAIN STREET USA to help determine the direction of this country. Those that are currently in office, have seriously lost touch with reality.

5. We need to protect the sanctity of marriage. Look, I know this is major spot of contention. I am not saying that there shouldn't be something for homosexual couples. I just don't think it should be called marriage. Marriage is a union between a man and a woman. Call yours something else, be eligible for all of the rights of married heterosexual couples and move on. Stop taking away my rights because you chose to live differently. You made a decision to live differently, so it is YOUR responsibility to come up with something that doesn't take away from others. Leave marriage alone.

I understand that I have likely offended many. I also realize that there are some things beyond the control of ‘every man’. Regardless, whether you agree with me or not, don't be quiet. Quiet signals that you are happy with the status quo. What is currently going on is NOT okay. We need to stand up and be vocal about what we believe. While voicing your opinion, remember to listen as well. If you want someone to respect your opinion, try respecting theirs. It is absolutely okay to agree to disagree.

I love this nation. I love that we can have differing opinions. I love that we can have peaceful demonstrations to say we don't like what is going on. And as irritating as it is, I love that people can completely misconstrue the realities around them and classify an entire group of people as extremists (even if they are wrong) because the constitution gives them that right.
So, write your congressmen, write your senators and even email the president to tell him or her what you think.

http://www.senate.gov/
https://writerep.house.gov/writerep/welcome.shtml
http://www.whitehouse.gov/

Now is the time to make the constitution and the rights therein personal. Use those guaranteed freedoms, or one day they may disappear.

Lessons Learned

1. Even if I think things are screwy right now, at least I still have the right to post this.

2. If you have a different opinion...GOOD FOR YOU. But play nice children.

3. I feel so much more like a patriot for exercising the rights guaranteed by the Constitution.

4. The saying goes, "Give me liberty or give me death." Not, "Give me liberty or give me debt." What kind of choice is that?

5. I feel so much better by putting all of this out there.

Random Thought of the Day

Should I be concerned about all of the things that the Easter Bunny left in my 3 year olds 'casket'?

Thoughts Provoked
1. I hope this isn't what a foreboding sense of doom feels like, because I laughed all the way through it.
2. Should I correct him? Nah.
3. I want to know what the Easter Bunny is going to leave in my casket. As well as Santa Clause, Cupid and the Thanksgiving Turkey that is about to lose his head.
4. Am I deranged for adding the turkey into my list of holiday big wigs?
5. If I am, too late.

The Stooges Go to Church

On TV there are The Three Stooges...in reality, there are at least 6 and they all live at my house.
It was a beautiful Easter Sunday morning. It really did seem more beautiful than usual, I'm sure it was because of all the yucky weather we have had lately.

We made our earnest attempt to be on time for church, and for once we actually made it. See, modern day miracles DO happen. It was a wonderful meeting even with Caleb and Baylee in their usual unable to sit still mode. We (I) decided that since Baylee couldn't sit still that she could be in charge of taking Caleb out for water, to the bathroom, out for water...yada yada yada.
It was working really well, until....Baylee was taking Caleb out for the second time. There was a musical number by the ward choir and apparently I really needed some music to soothe my soul because I didn't even notice they hadn't come back.

At the end of the music Felix left (through the west door) to go a find them. About 30 seconds after that Noah decided he needed to go to the bathroom and heads out of the west door. About 2 minutes after that Baylee came in (from the east door) and in her very best stage whisper in the nearly silent chapel, she informed me that, "Caleb peed all over the floor in the bathroom and I had to clean it up BY MY SELF. And now he won't come in." I found out where he was and told Baylee to sit down.

I pointed to the east door and asked Savannah to go get Caleb because he was a little more obedient with her. So Savannah got up and went out of the west door. As I was huffy breathing as quietly as I could, I got up and went out the east door where I found Felix who was with Caleb and mad because he was alone with no sign of Baylee. We went to the hallway so I could tell him what happened and just then Savannah come running around the corner, sees Felix and me, but no Caleb and in a panick says, "I can't find Caleb." I soothed her and told her we found him. Just then Noah comes out of the bathroom on the east side of the building sees all of us and says, "What's everybody doing in the hall?"

Yeah, it really happened. My solution? Easy...I sent everybody home to go clean the house so I could enjoy the rest of church...selfish, selfish, selfish.

Lessons Learned
1. At least it was one of top two types of humor...physical humor or a comedy of errors (and yes...it was comedy of errors).
2. My children are apparently directionally challenged.
3. Church was really good...up to that part.
4. Heavenly Father has a sense of humor...even on Sunday.
5. I am still hoping that everyone that was sitting around us had a sense of humor too.

No Way...Way

We live in such a different technological time from our children.

Noah is currently studying Pompeii and Mount Vesuvius (one of my favorite natural disasters). He has a tendency to get really into things that interest him (especially if mayhem and destruction are involved). Which would explain the nightmares about being in Pompeii, witnessing the volcanic eruption and choking and dying on the ash.

So tonight he wanted to get more information on Pompeii and Vesuvius because his test was coming up (yes, he is in 3rd grade...but is sometimes well beyond his years). So we spent some time "Google"-ing and we found a really fun volcano simulation that you could create by adjusting magmic pressure and gaseous pressure. Yup, this is exactly the kind of thing we have fun doing. Side Note: I totally built the best volcano.

I digress........

So Noah looked at a few sites and was sharing some of the information he found. Then he went back to Google. Felix asked what he was doing. Noah informed him that he was looking for a video of the actual Vesuvius eruption. Simultaneously Felix and I both said, "They didn't have video cameras in 79 A.D."

And Noah said, "Yes they did. They just recorded in black and white."

Lessons Learned
1. Do you think I should tell him that there was no such thing as Playstation when I was a kid?
Nevermind, I don't want to accidentally kill him.
2. He found a pretty cool reproduction (in black and white) and said, "See, I told ya so."
3. I love that his mind is never satisfied.
4. I am amazed at how easily his imagination places him into the situation.
5. I'm glad that he and I can marvel over natural disasters together...isn't that what families are all about?

I'm a Bad, Bad Mommy

Some days, you feel like, hey, I'm doing okay here. Not so bad. No screaming, no yelling, no mayhem...at least, not right now. And then the next moment hits and there is screaming, yelling and mayhem you couldn't imagine if you tried.

We were having our big, ol' honkin' couch cleaned today. Yes, I had to pay someone to clean my couch for me. It isn't that I think I'm too good for couch cleaning, or even that I'm just lazy (which I am). Our couch was so filthy and disgusting, it was hopeless for a mere mortal to have success.

It was Sunday. As a family we were hunkering down for some quality family bonding time in front of the TV (we wouldn't want to actually TALK to one another now, would we....) We moved one cushion, and found a donut. I lay down on one cushion and when I sat up, it was stuck to my head. Had I searched any further, I am fairly certain I would have found Al Capone.

Given the intensely grotesque state of the couch, we felt it necessary to arrange for a 'professional' to come and do the dirty work for us. Besides, when guilt is saddled with a monetary figure it really goes much, much further.

The appointment was scheduled for this morning, but because this is my life and I got two phone calls, the cleaner dude came around 1 pm.

Caleb had been so good all day (pinch me, I'm dreaming). Just very low key, happy and content child, willing to lay down and watch movies or play games. YAY. It meant I didn't have to worry about him trying to get involved in the cleaning process.

After about an hour into the process, I decided it was time to go and check on Caleb. I went down to the basement and realized there were no lights on. My first thought was that he snuck out and I had no idea. Then I rounded the corner and saw him putting something into the PS3. So, me being me, and him being him, I said, "Rah." Now, in my defense you couldn't even really say that it was worthy of a scare kind of 'rah'. It really was much more of a PMS-ing cheerleader forced to go to the game or get kicked off of the squad kind of 'rah'. You know, a rah that is more like a blah.

Sadly, my boy was so deep in thought with whatever scheme he was dreaming up, that I literally nearly scared him to death. He jumped, grabbed his chest and promptly fell over stiff as a board. I ran to him waiting for him usual chuckle, but unfortunately he didn't take a breath for like 10 seconds...and yes, the LONGEST 10 seconds of my life.

He finally took that sorely needed life giving breath, and promptly began to cry, "I was just playing Little Big Planet. That's all I was doing. [Unintelligible] and you said Rah. [Unintelligible] I was just playing a game. Why did you do that to me?"

Nothing says, 'You suck' like a three year old blaming you for his heart attack. I did the best I could to soothe his wounded spirit, with carefully chosen words like, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. Mommy loves you." Once he calmed down, and had the PS3 controller nestled snugly in his stressed out little hand, I gingerly left the room, careful not to excite his heart unneccesarily.

I walked up the stairs, pondering the spectacular scene I had just witnessed. And as I shut the door, I could no longer control the laughter. I laughed until I cried. And I didn't just cry. I had tears streaming down my face. I called the one person that would laugh over something like this with, and then we laughed until she cried. By the time we were done, my sides hurt and I had no energy. Thank goodness I didn't exercise today. If I had, there would have been no energy to have that good of a laugh with.

So as I look back at the whole situation, I realize that I am a bad, bad mommy, with a WICKED sense of humor.

Lessons Learned
1. Never sneak up a child unless you are willing to accept the consequences.
2. Laugh only when they can't see you.
3. To a 3 year old, there is no such thing as, "I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing near you."
4. I think I know what it looks like when you scare someone to death.
5. Oh well...tomorrow is a new day.

Clean Floors and Rooms

This is my ode to my childrens relationship with chores, using the lyrical stylings of Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss.

To make your reading more enjoyable, I have color coded the conversation.

Mom-Blue Text
Children-Red Text

Clean Floors and Rooms

I am Mom.

I am Mom.

Mom-is-tired.

As Mom-is-tired
As Mom-is-tired
Won't clean alone
As Mom-is-tired

Go clean your
Rooms. Please be inspired.

We will not clean them
Mom-is-tired.
We have to tell you,
We're not inspired.

Would you like rooms
cleared of toys?

We would not like rooms
cleared of toys.
We want to keep them
full of joy.
We will not clean them,
Mom-is-tired.
There is no way
to get us inspired.

Do you like rooms
full of muck?
Do you like rooms
full of yuck?

We do not care
if there is yuck.
We do not care
if there is muck.
We do not like rooms
cleared of toys.
We want to keep them
full of joy.
We will not clean them,
Mom-is-tired.
There is no way
to get us inspired.

Would you clean them
to avoid a spank?
Would you clean them
for cash in the bank?

We might for a spank.
We might for the bank.
But not for the muck.
And not for the yuck.
We do not like rooms
cleared of toys.
We want to keep them
full of joy.
Nah, we will not clean them,
Mom-is-tired.
There's just no way
to get us inspired.

Would you?
Could you?
To get a treat?
Clean them, clean them
And we'll go eat.

We would not,
or could not,
for a treat.

It might bring you joy,
or perhaps a new toy.
You might like them
free from crud.
You might like them
free from mud.

We would not
enjoy them
free from crud.
Quite frankly,
we enjoy the mud.
We won't for a spank.
We might for the bank.
But not for the muck.
And not for the yuck.
We do not like rooms
cleared of toys.
We want to keep them
full of joy.
Nah, we will not clean them,
Mom-is-tired.
There's just no way
to get us inspired.

A movie...a movie.
Could you,
Would you
for a flick?

Not for a flick.
We like the mud.
We like the crud.
We won't for a spank.
We might for the bank.
But not for the muck.
And not for the yuck.
We do not like rooms
cleared of toys.
We want to keep them full of joy.
Nah, we will not clean them,
Mom-is-tired.
There's just no way
to get us inspired.

How about for
friends and play?
I can arrange for
a whole free day.

We would not,
could not
for friends and play.
We simply do
not roll that way.

Then let me
make this
simple and clear.
Go clean your rooms
or be full of fear.

I will take everything
you own.
No new clothes,
holes will be sewn.

Nor will I not allow
ice cream and treats.
There will be no friends
for meet and greets.

You cannot see
the outside world,
or each morning
as it is gloriously unfurled.

I say there will be no
extras and stuff...
As Mom-is-tired,
I HAVE HAD ENOUGH.

So make your choice,
but wisely choose.
As Mom-is-tired,
this is your war to lose.

We believe you
Mom-is tired.
You have found
ways to inspire.
We will clean
the muck and yuck.

We will clean
to avoid a spank.
Is there still a chance
for the bank?

We will rid the mud,
We will clear the crud.
We will clean
Oh Mom-is-tired.
We are really,
truly, inspired.

And through the
process they did find
things they had lost...
even MY mind.

Now the house is
cleared of dust.
Finding the floors,
an ABSOLUTE must.

Children don't like
being told how to clean.
Even worse than that
is the mommy that's mean.

Sometimes it takes
a little muscle,
To get the kids
to show some hustle.

But in the end,
it's worth the struggle,
Because Mom-is-tired,
Has one less thing to juggle.

Lessons Learned
1. Anything worth doing is worth fighting for. And if it means I don't trip on toys and fall down the stairs in the middle of the night, BRING IT ON.
2. I LOVE Dr. Seuss.
3. I love my house to be clean.
4. I love my house to be clean without contention.
5. And since that is never going to happen, I'll take a clean house with the necessary contention to get there. As long as I WIN at the end...I'm good.